Sheila's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
For me, feminism is a belief that women should have the same rights and respect as men are given in terms of their work, their minds, their bodies, and for me, most importantly, their contribution to society, to the world. I am a feminist because I still believe we have a long way to go and we need to "keep the dream alive" so to speak ... I believe we can change the way women are perceived and treated if we all become more conscious of how our children see women in the world, how we are treated and respond to the way we are treated, how we teach them about what our roles are, how we talk about gender in our world, in our every day lives. Maybe I became one when I refused to wear girls' skates in grade 5 and demanded to have boys' skates which were more comfortable to me. Maybe, when I read the book An Unsuitable Job for a Woman by P.D. James about a female detective when I was 15 because the title intrigued me, a seed was planted. I think, as a child, I resented highly the freedom boys seemed to have, compared to girls. But it wasn't until I went to university and took some women's studies courses that I realized I could have such a thing as a voice about it and I could begin to be heard and there were others who really felt as I did! I also must credit my sister Nancy in teaching me a lot about feminism as she was quite an activist in our early 20s. I still remember the first time I read The Feminine Mystique and I began to shake as I read it. I remember shaking. I think my mom's understandable feelings of frustration in her empty nest and my reflections about the choices she had in her life also contributed to my feminism heavily - she is the strongest, wisest woman I know.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

That I am still a learning being and my kids can teach me things - I thought it was the other way around! And that these little babies you help raise become their own actual persons and have their own feelings views and likes/dislikes just like you - so cool! Also, the unconditional love you have for your kids is so amazing and awesome. and your capacity for endless patience - I am reminded of a favourite line from Sexing the Cherry' by Jeannette Winterson about a 'giant' child, "But my mother, who lived only a while and was so light that she dared not go out in a wind, could swing me on her back and carry me for miles. There was talk of witchcraft but what is stronger than love?"

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
To trust your own instincts - motherly instincts! I read somewhere in the last year apparently doctors and nurses are being taught to listen carefully to mothers with regards to the medical treatment of their children because a mother's instincts are so strong. I was never one to pick up books about how to be a parent ... I liked to think I would figure things out either myself or with the advice of people I trusted - my mom, my sisters and my friends. Believing in your own instincts is really healthy I think and gives you a lot of confidence to do all the things you do as a mom. Instincts like knowing when they're sick immediately. Knowing when or why they're upset about something. Knowing what they need emotionally and mentally. Remembering to whisper when I swear at other drivers in the car. :) Things like that. Also being prepared - I would always have this huge bag of everything I might possibly need for them in my car. (I still carry band aids around in my purse). Hmmm ... also being a better listener in life.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

I have a need to be creative in my life. I also needed to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't feel called to be a domestic goddess and I could definitely never claim to be one. I stayed at home with my kids for seven years until our youngest started grade 1 this year. I feel privileged to have been able to do that, economically and spiritually. And now I can begin to focus on my career in graphic design again. And I still get to be my kids' rock every day. As far as work goes, I am starting my own freelance graphic design business for a while to build up my portfolio and get back into the swing of things so to speak ... incidentally, after much thought, I decided to call my business 'suffragette' because I am heavily influenced by design and writing from that period (late 1800s, early 1900s) and if I'd lived then, I would have been a suffragette! However, take note! You would not believe how many women in their thirties (and even forties) I have mentioned this to had no idea what the word suffragette referred to ("suffra-what? what does that mean?") OMG! NONE of the 20 year-olds I have mentioned it to had any idea either. This is heartbreaking to me!!! HOW CAN THIS BE?? So instead of bringing 'sexy' back, I'm bringing 'suffragette' back! Ha ha.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

No I can't put it into just a few words. chef-chauffeur-designer-entertainer-photographer-cleaner-reader-laundromat-sometimes baker-crafter-therapist-sometimes nurse-spa technician. I could go on but it's endless, isn't it? I think each person is so many things. I think each parent must be so many things (but some of them aren't). I think mothers do a hundred jobs in one day. Can you imagine if we were recompensed for each of these jobs we take on as mothers? In ten years, I'd like to feel a little more personally fulfilled and also confident in myself and in my work, as a designer and as a mom. In twenty years, I will almost be retired and so I kind of dream of just being this one selfish word for a bit: traveller. I'll have my cellphone with me in case my kids need to call. Is that so wrong?

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work to me is anything you feel you must do, either to make money or because it needs getting done (like laundry or cleaning). It can also be something you like to do, which it is in my case and I feel lucky about that. Leisure to me is having time to myself to read, or spa, to do whatever I like to do, personally. No I don't have as much time for my work as I'd like - I know that right now as a freelancer, I am still working 'part time' - 6 hours a day before I pick them up from school. So sometimes, I work at night and sometimes I work on the weekend. But I feel lucky that I have a job or a career that is pretty flexible. It may not always be so. I may not always work from home. I feel very lucky on one hand, and on the other, sometimes I feel that my work isn't treated as respectfully and/or as seriously as it would be if it were a job in an office, and I were accountable to a 'company' rather than to just myself and my family. I also want to work on (cleaning) my house almost as much as I hate working on my house. I don't have enough hours in the day for that.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

I think acknowledgment or credit helps you feel the love. As far as the work we do as moms, a little 'thanks mom' from your child can do wonders, can't it? Or 'that's delicious'. Or 'you're the best, mom!' that kind of payment is as valuable to me as anything monetary. I was talking to a friend about this a while ago. How one of the things I miss about being in an office is that you get feedback and more often get some kind of appreciation for work you do on a daily basis. Even just a simple acknowledgment at work - 'got your memo, Sheila. thanks'. We don't get that at home. Our work goes unnoticed for the most part. So whenever our kids (or husbands) show the smallest amount of appreciation for anything, it makes our whole day! How can we change that? How can we feel more appreciated, more valued? I think our partners also must be made aware of this discrepancy - our work as stay-at-home moms or stay-at-home dads needs to be acknowledged. Daily would be nice, just like at the office.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

Now, I say 'I'm a graphic designer'. Before I'd say 'currently, I'm a stay-at-home mom'. I felt the need to give it some time-frame. I wonder why I couldn't just say 'I'm a mother'. That says a lot, right, that 'mother' is not considered a 'job description' and people wouldn't just go, 'oh that's what you do, so how's work?' or continue the conversation about your mothering work. So I guess my reply when I was at home with my kids sounds defensive and like I undervalued my work as a mom. That's frustrating. But to be fair, I do make a HUGE point in my life of NOT asking people the question 'what do you do?' when I meet them. I hate that question. I like to get to know someone and I figure I'll eventually find out what they are up to in their lives. I don't think it's a definition of who you are. I think it's a definition of what you tend to do the most.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

My goals for myself changed before I became a parent in that I had dreamed of a career in graphic design and advertising in Toronto and felt that I could pursue that and be highly successful in it. I decided not to take that path when I decided to stay home with my kids. Since I've become a parent, my goals for myself are: my kids' happiness, to be the best mom I can be for my kids, and to feel personally fulfilled, more balanced, not necessarily 'highly successful'. 'Success' has taken on a different meaning for me. Success in life now to me means 'happiness', fulfillment, that my kids are happy, doing well in school and feel loved, that I'm a good partner in my marriage, that I feel like I'm not only a mom, that I am also a person with my own life and ambitions, whatever they are. The help I need to reach these goals I am receiving from my awesome husband Geoff who is a feminist in his own right if I may say so (he's taken women's studies courses!) - his moral and financial support of our decision for me to stay home is something I am very grateful for and carry with me every day. I feel lucky to have a partner in life who understands the sacrifice I have made personally and career-wise. I also much appreciated the support of my parents as grandparents - I needed them and they were there for me as much as they could be. I also feel the support of friends and other stay-at-home moms is crucial. You need people around you who understand exactly what you're doing. I also need the support of our babysitter so I can remember what it is like to just hang out with my husband.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

I think the feminism of the 60s and 70s, while in a way extremely necessary, should have perhaps seen a bigger picture down the road and not been so exclusive to women who longed to be stay-at-home moms for their children and have that amazing experience in their lives. I think if feminists had thought about the rights we needed even as moms, we might be further along now with daycare in the workplace, and paternity leave and maternity leave, child support, etc., as well as familial violence against women - in terms of isolation, and derision. I think earlier feminists forgot that 'choice' should have included 'the choice to stay home with your kids' and not feel embarrassed or defensive about it. I think feminism failed fathers in that it did not encourage men's participation in rearing children, it only encouraged women's participation in the workforce. The direction was only one way. I think the feminism of now can facilitate men's participation in their children's lives, and happier partnerships/marriages! I think men not only are more aware of women's issues and involved as parents, they wish for it, and they love it. they love taking a bigger role in their kids' lives. I think feminism can be more about inclusion (I remember a brother of one of the victims of the Montreal massacre whom some women didn't want to allow to speak at the memorial because they felt that only women should have a voice there) and less about anger. Personally, I feel women could be more inclusive, supportive and tolerant to each other as well and less judgmental. I am proud to be a feminist and a feminist mother. I was personally vindicated for my beliefs the other day, when my 7-year-old son reprimanded me in the car about gender specific language - 'mom! you said 'his' backpack, not 'his or her backpack' do girls not have backpacks, mom? no, I don't think that's true!'. I smiled my biggest smile. now, that's what I like to hear! :)