Heather's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

I can pinpoint the moment I became a feminist--I was five, and playing doctor with a little boy. When I told him it was my turn ti be the doctor, he told me girls couldn't be doctors. I told him he was wrong--my own doctor was a woman--but he insisted he was right and said my doctor was actually a nurse. It seems small, of course, but I can clearly remember how frustrated I was and also how my own certainty about and freedom in my world was shaken. I worry about that moment happening for my own daughter.

I'd say I think of feminisms, rather than 'feminism'--there are so many different schools of thought that fall under that term. I think of my own feminism as an attempt to find equal space, time and value for women's lives. I think of women's equality as including but going beyond equal opportunities, i.e. the same chance at a job, the same voting rights. Equality would mean creating that space, time and value for the physical and biological reality of a woman's life cycle.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
I've only been mothering for seven weeks. I expected to feel this fierce protectiveness, but it can still be surprising. I'm surprised, too, at what a people magnet a baby is, even in big bad Toronto. i think it's telling, actually; I really do think it takes a village to raise a child, and I've been thinking about ways to invite the village in.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Again, seven weeks in, but I'm learning to type one-handed! And to fold a prefold. And maybe to relax a bit more. But that may be exhaustion.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

Called to, hmm, I don't know that I feel a calling; I have curiosities about things, and I follow those. In the humanities, academics are supposed to feel a calling I think, a hangover from the time we were all monks. But I think there are other ways to be committed to the world.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

Related to above, I don't really think about myself that way, as a string of nouns--I like instead to think in verbs. They seem more flexible to me, more precise, and less vulnerable to others' assumptions. Maybe I'm totally wrong about that. But at that imaginary cocktail party I'd say I'd say I'm writing a dissertation, and helping to raise a daughter, and doing some freelance editing on the side, which is teaching me a lot about finances. Ten years from now I hope there will be more things about my new community in that list.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

I think we tend to see work as the serious and important--Wallace Stevens may have written poems in his down time at the insurance company, but we'd still call it his work. Leisure is considered the less serious, less important, possibly more personal and private. Then we come to the question of what counts as serious and important--how about grandma's quilt?

Jess's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

Feminism to me is about the social and economic liberation of women. I guess that’s a fairly text book, socialist feminist definition of feminism but it’s not a cop out. For me, it is genuine, succinct and poignant.

My mum identifies as a feminist though not in any vocal way and our feminist practices/understandings/analysis are eons apart. I think I’ve been a feminist for as long as Ireally knew what one was...since mid high school, at least. I was always the kid with the heightened sense of justice and fairness. Feminism, I think, is my default.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

I am continually blown away by my ability to love something as much as I hate it (I’m talking about mothering, not my child – I love him. I don’t hate him, ever). All in one emotion. It’s such a fine line and somedays, there is no line at all.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

I’ve never been more creative. I don’t think I ever really understood what people meant when they spoke of parenting creatively. I get it now. I thought I’d learn greater patience, but perhaps that comes once the baby years pass and the sleep deprivation subsides.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

Some days I have no idea. I have always worked for social justice, both professionally and personally, and I remain deeply committed to it on a philosophical level but I feel so sapped by parenting that I don’t know how or if I’ll ever be useful again. I definitely feel a calling to mothering which I wrestle with on a feminist level, though intellectually, I know I shouldn’t.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

This question makes me feel sick. I am so deeply struggling with my identity right now, having just made the decision not to return to work after 12 months maternity leave. Today, I want to be mother-student-activist-worker. That’s not do-able right now. Right now, I’m a mother. I hope that in 10 years, I’ve found a healthy way to taste all the pieces of the pie.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Mothering my son is always work and sometimes leisure. I am the most fulfilled as a parent when my partner and I are parenting together. When we go away and it’s both of us, all the time, I rarely feel like mothering is work and I find a lot of pleasure in my family. I find leisure and pleasure in many of the kid activities/playgroups we do – anywhere that there are other like minded parents around, really. I enjoy the solidarity and the social time. And I love seeing my kid happy and engaged. It’s the times between that the work feels like a chore. I think it’s important to acknowledge all aspects of parenting as work but to delineate between the good bits and the chore elements.

As a stay-at-home parent, I definitely have enough time to put into my parenting work but I rarely manage anything else and I really struggle with that. I do get some ‘me time’ but I don’t find it especially satisfying.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

Under capitalism, it is essential. Certainly pleasure and enjoyment of some work or aspects of work provide great satisfaction but it does nothing to boost the perceived value of [parenting] work.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

This has recently changed. Until a few weeks ago, I’d say that I was on maternity leave but then give a detailed explanation of my job/career (as a community development worker). Now, I talk about how I’ve recently decided to take some time out to raise my kid[s] but that I’m thinking about study and not closed to a small, part time job. I have this innate need for people to see me as able, skilled and talented in more than parenting. No matter how much I recognise and intellectualise the absolute value of mothering, I’m still incredibly uneasy with identifying as ‘just a mum’ which is what I currently am.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

I don’t think they have though I’m feeling like I might need to lower my expectations or risk a lot of disappointment/perceived failure. I’m in denial for the moment though.

10. How has feminism failed mothers/fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers/fathers? What could it give?

I don’t think feminism has failed us. I think the system fails us. I think society fails us. The myth of ‘having it all’ is often blamed on feminism, unfairly, in my view. Having it all might be possible in a world that was less competitive and consumer driven and more balanced, egalitarian and compassionate. Having it all can’t be possible for mothers until everyone, regardless of sex, race, class, sexuality etc etc can have it all. That is not the fault of feminism – but it certainly is a reason for feminism and the broader work of justice seeking.

Those ‘power’ feminists who discount the important and valuable work of mothering are convenient distractions and really, just pawns in a bigger power play. It’s such a shame that women are so deeply socialised to be critical of other women and their choices – the patriarchy is very good at having others do it’s dirty work.

Feminism has allowed families to broaden their definitions and redefine roles. It has demanded that women’s work is valued and valuable – the case is nowhere near closed, but at least it’s open now. It has allowed fathers the opportunity to enjoy and meaningfully contribute to parenting and to carry some of emotional and physical burden too. It has also empowered mothers to expect and (hopefully) demand more.

Jane's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
I remember defining myself as a feminist in late high school, but with complete fervor in university. I define feminism as a part of my credence that our goal is to treat all people (which I extend to animals, the earth) with respect and dignity. Women are equal to their masculine counterparts.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
As the parent of two young boys, I'm happy that they are growing up in a world where the gender playing field is more level than ever before.

However, there still is a marked difference in the types of activities, games and toys that boys adhere to. Companies pitch fluffy, pink, 'fashion accessory' types of toys to girls, and boys are bombarded by messages of violence and machismo.

I was surprised at the types of books that are pitched to each gender - even books seem to have a gender!

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
I've learned that children don't 'do as I say,' they look to the adults in their lives as models. So, I've learned to live out what I believe, not just talk about it.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).
I feel called to raise activists! At the very least, I want my children to see an equal male-female relationship first-hand. I want them to have a good model of how people interact, and treat each other well. I am happy when they know who Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. are, and what they have done to contribute to a just society.

I don't shield my children from difficult situations (such as homelessness, poverty, environmental damage), because it's a great way to talk about these issues. I've learned a lot from my children - they bring a fresh perspective - and I feel we are learning together.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?
I am an environmental consultant and activist. I am trying to raise boys who treat everyone with dignity and respect (including themselves). I think this will be my identity for the rest of my life.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?
Work and leisure blend together for me, as I am self-employed, and can choose the work that I want to do based on whether it fits into my life or not. I'm lucky that some of my interest are work projects and vice versa. I have lots of plans and ideas, and there isn't enough time to do everything, but it also forces one to choose what is really important, and what is a 'would be nice to do' task.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?
Parenting is the toughest job going, and unpaid to boot! In fact, most of the most important work we will ever do in our lives is unpaid: treating people well, helping others reflecting on the world.

8. When people ask what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?
When people ask what I do, I tell them that I am an environmental consultant. Being self-employed, it's hard for people to relate to what I do - that's why I have a 15-second overview that I give as an answer.

I may elaborate on a certain project that I am working on (if they are interested), or try to relate a small part of my work to something that means something to the person asking the question.

I am comfortable in this reply, as I've been honing the answer for 13 years.

9. How have you goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

Since becoming a parent I am connected to the earth & the community in a way I wasn't before. Of course, there are lots of way of connecting to the earth, but this was something I realized came naturally once my sons were born.

My goals for myself have remained the same, though, that hasn't really changed. The way I reach my goals are different though - they take longer to achieve!!

It has been helpful to have a group of peers who can answer my questions, hear my frustrations, and laugh with me when the going gets tough. I also needed a partner who was willing to share the parenting workload (my partner hates the word parent being used as a verb :). Other 'starring roles' have gone to my sister, my brother-in-law, my father, my step-mother, my father-in-law, my nieces, and friends (old and young) who have loved & cared for my boys. This is my village (that it takes to raise a child).

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (f you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?
Feminism has given women the power of choice, and has also give women a voice (nice, that rhymes!). We can choose whether (or not) we want to pursue paid work, or whether (or not) we want to stay home with children, or do a combination of both of these options.

Feminism also gives men the power of choice, as my husband shares child-rearing duties with me.

However, women can't be all things to all people (contrary to the 1980s 'we can have it all' idea). We need to decide what is most important to us, and decide what we want to keep and what we want to give away (or put on the shelf for the time being). Choose what you want to focus on, and give yourself a break about the things you aren't doing.

Sarah's Thoughts

How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

To me feminism is simply the quest for equal rights (political, social and economical) for women to those of men. This is a quest that I fully support but as with most other movements some extremists have taken it too far and have become hypocritically chauvinistic. As far as I can remember I have always felt that I deserved equal rights to those of men. There has been a drive for fairness and social justice in my soul since I was a teenager which has brought about other issues to my consciousness like racism and speciesism.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

That nature is stronger than nurture, in other words; your children are born with their personalities already formed.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Organising, planning, delegating, learning to let go and many others I'm sure.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

My call has lead me to help people and animals. it's what i seem to focus on anyway. caring for and teaching children has always been a huge part of my life too. all stereotypically feminine duties but i feel good with that because in my oppinion there is no less value in them than what other women and men are doing.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

Woman-wife-daughter-sister-mother-caregiver-teacher-environmentalist-feminist....in ten years or more I hope there are many changes but I know not what they will be which is exciting.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work and leisure are intertwined for me...they are life and I seek to find a balance.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

In helping people and in enjoying myself.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

Usually I say that I am a stay-at-home Mom who looks after other children also. It seems for most other people that this is not an interesting line of work because typically they don't comment at all. This is a contrast to what I observe other people being asked about different jobs. It feels great though when the odd person expresses appreciation for what I do.

The fact that people who do what I do are paid very low is a reflection of the value society places on my job....more work for feminists!

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

Since being a parent, I have learned so much about myself so I feel like I can focus on things that are more compatible with my personality. Making more money is more important now also because we have kids.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

The extremists have caused some people to prejudge all feminists as being chauvinistic. That is the only failure I can see, but I also see lots more work to be done. Specifically, more value should be put on a mother's role so that we are not expected to take on other roles outside of the home if we want to focus on raising our children. In my opinion, true feminists should value women in whatever role they choose to take in life; whether we follow a more stereotypical one or not...just as we should for men.

Katy's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

I think I've always been a feminist, in part because of my parents and how they raised me (set your sights high, dream the big dreams, you can be whatever you put your mind to, you are intelligent, you are capable, you are you), and because my mother was/is a feminist in the classical sense of the word, having taught women's studies and political science at UW, so dinner table conversations were often around issues of feminism and politics, and because of my strong-willed (read stubborn) nature, such that it never made sense to me why I couldn't do what a boy could do, why I couldn't be what a boy could be, why I couldn't be hired for a job a man could do, why I couldn't be paid what a man is paid for the same work, and the list goes on...

Feminism is defined in my mind as equality - women being treated the same way a man is treated in society (at home, at work, at play).

That being said, the word feminist does have a negative connotation in today's day, perhaps because of the extreme voices of certain feminists before us. There are certain friends that I have that would say that they are not feminists, mainly because of the negative connotation of the word and what saying 'I am a feminist' implies...perhaps they have visions of topless women who go to rallies, speak negatively about all men, and...well, you get the picture...yet if you asked them if they wanted to be treated equally for what they do, they would say yes...so they are in fact feminists by my definition but uncomfortable with the word itself..

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

I was most surprised by parenthood's consuming nature...of time, of body, of strength, of energy, and of sleep. Because even when they are sleeping, which continues to be a moving target in our house, I find I sometimes lie awake wondering about them... And I know that with the littlest of children, this is a stage when their all-consuming nature is utterly overwhelming at times and that it will change, but right now it is all-consuming.

Parenthood has taught me to slow down and take it moment by moment, as I watch time fly by at such speed, particularly when I measure it by how much my babes have changed. Pre-children, my days seemed longer...

I was prepared for loving my children, but not quite prepared for how heart-breaking a love it is. It takes my breath away.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Time management and organization are two key skills that I always thought I was good at, before children, but heck, I didn't know anything about it till I had those little babes (particularly after the second). Particularly critical when I change my daytime activity from that of being at home with my lovies to going "back to work" to my paid employment (and I do realise when I write that, that those words are heavy words...and I will get to that in a minute).

Before children, I struggled with anxiety, mostly about my health and the health of my loved ones. I continue to struggle with it on certain off-days, but have found that if I didn't somehow learn some coping strategies, it would become immobilizing, particularly with young children, since there are worries to the nth degree I could devote all of my time to, yet what I really need to be doing is devoting my time to my family, day by day, minute by minute. I feel as though I've conquered my anxiety...most days, and the driver of this was becoming a parent.

I'm also learning to really 'be' in the moment...to breathe in each day with my boys, even when I feel like pulling my hair out and crying.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

I have a need to be a number of different persons all wrapped into this body. I certainly don't feel called to being domestic and cooking or cleaning, but I define those things as work, and despite my entirely supportive and loving husband, I still do the majority of such domestic work in our home...so that is one type of 'work' that I do. My other 'work' hat that I wear is that of scientist. I have wanted to be a scientist all of my life. I love reading about science, designing studies, crunching numbers, reading academic journals, writing research papers, attending a really good conference at least once a year, partaking in 'aha' moments or discussions with colleagues after wrestling with some difficult data and finally making sense of it, of getting recognized for the work that I (and my colleagues do), whether through new grant money, more budget, a publication in a journal, etc etc... I originally started my "academic" career as an environmental microbiologist, focusing on issues that affected drinking water quality and human health, but in recent years have morphed my career into that of epidemiologist working for the federal government on public health and disease surveillance issues for the country. I like to think that when I go to work, I have a small part in making Canada's food and water safer. And so perhaps my voice is somewhat different than the voices of others who have responded to your questionnaire, because although I absolutely love my children and would die for them, I also crave being 'at work'...the other kind of work. And I suppose I believe my paid work makes me a better mother because my work makes me a happier person. And a part of me feels defensive of this choice, just as other women who have answered your questionnaire write that they feel they need to 'defend' their choice to be a stay at home mom, or qualify it with a timeline. I feel particularly sensitive and defensive of my choice to go 'back to work', in comparison to the other choices I've made as a parent (ie: I chose to breastfeed till my first was two, I loved wearing my baby, we still co-sleep, I believe in vaccinations, I try and parent a la 'colarosso', we didn't circumcise, etc etc...but I never felt defensive about any of those choices like I do about my choice to go back to work). I do feel that other women (particularly) judge my choice to go 'back to work', and the overriding feeling I have is that 'they' think I am 'less of a mother'...why would I leave my children, 'let another woman raise them', and focus on my career? I can only say that I really feel that my desire to be this person, who wears so many different hats, overrides my desire to stay at home with my children when they are young. I feel grateful that I work for an employer (the federal government) that is incredibly supportive of working mothers. I can flex my time. I can go back to work at 80%, which I'm doing. I am paid 95% of my salary for one full year after the birth of each child. I have sick days that are speficially designated for if a child of mine is sick. I work a 7 hour day and am well-paid for it, rarely ever feeling like I need to work overtime or on a weekend. I can opt out of most work-related travel...etc etc... If I wasn't so well-supported at my workplace, I would definitely stay at home, because being away from my kids for 8 hours in the day is my maximum. I do have friends who work in Toronto, have kids, work 60 hour weeks, and have nannies and I couldn't do that. But I feel I/we have struck the right balance for this stage in our life, for our family. That being said, I try very hard these days to not judge other people's realities. This is something that parenthood is slowly teaching me. It is so easy to point the finger and say 'I would never do what they are doing', but in reality, I don't know anything about their reality. Only my own. And I feel confident in the choices I've made...so far. I know there will be things I regret as a parent, but I really feel as though this (working full time while my kids are young) is not one of them. I would hope that my boys will grow up to see that their mother has been able to strike a balance between work and home, and that I am able to teach them about the strength of women, their power, their need to be treated equally and respected...and loved.

I personally respect and admire all women who choose to stay home with their children, when they are young and older too. It is a tough job...in my limited experience, the toughest job I've ever had. And takes a toll on our career aspirations and our pocket books, yet it is one of the most noble of professions out there and should have as much social currency as that of a doctor. It should be paid work but it isn't. I wish our government would recognize its value by allowing for a tax break of the sole income earner in the home with a stay-at-home father or mother...this would help relieve some of the economic burden that stay-at-home mothers/fathers face through lack of income and pension/RRSP contributions during the time they are working at home to raise their children... If we could only get a private members bill through for this idea instead of the long gun registry!!!!

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

Mother first and foremost. Wife. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Scientist. But mother comes before all...perhaps that's because of the particularly all-consuming stage of mothering that I am in at the moment. I do realise that my identity will change, and my mothering will change...in ten years, though, my kids will still be mere babes in the woods, so I feel mother will still be first and foremost on the list. I would hope in twenty years I will be all that I am today and more.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work is 'stuff that you are paid to do or have to do'. Leisure is stuff that you want to do. After having children, I don't ever feel there is enough time in the day to get the housework done. Nor do I think there is enough time in the day to do my favourite leisurely past-times (for me...), like sewing or reading, or hanging out with friends. At home we try and make 'play time' our priority, and on weekend our leisure time is mostly focused on stuff with the kids, like hikes or walks or playing or visiting with friends. At this stage in our family life, we are fitting domestic duties in when the boys are sleeping, or skipping them all-together. Cooking is a necessity and is done with the little ones under feet, but I wish I had more time to pore over cookbooks and make decadent meals every night of the week. At work, I rarely feel time-pressured...it seems so much more manageable than the pressure-cooker of family life, by comparison.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

In the 'workforce', payment is critical, and should be equal pay for equal work, despite the fact that it STILL isn't. And while we're on the subject, let me mention here that on two occasions I have been overtly sexually harassed while at work and on another occasion (different employer), a job was given to a male colleague who was less qualified and less experienced to do the work despite the fact I was interested in the promotion and had mentioned to my boss that I wanted the opportunity. I currently feel as though I get paid fairly for my work, and at one point there was a review of pay equity in our particular government division and it was considered to be very good..that being said, 90% of the people I work with are women. And of the few senior positions in our division, they are all filled by men.

At home, recognition of the domestic work that is done is much more nuanced...a simple thanks or a comment/observation is often enough. Jeremy and I strive for balancing the domestic chores though I continue to do more than he, partly because I am often more efficient and faster, and partly because the inequality pervades even the most well-intentioned of households.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

I always feel funny when people ask me that question, because it is a social mechanism for judging you, putting you in a box, defining you by other people's terms. Oh, you're a stay at home mom...I see. Oh, you're a teacher...I see. Oh, you're a housecleaner....I see. Oh, you're a doctor...I see. Oh, you have a PhD...I see. I will tell people that I'm an epidemiologist, which often is followed by a long discussion of what that actually means, but I particularly detest the question, because I'm more than an epidemiologist...But that is my box on the social party/chit chat/small talk circuit. Perhaps after answering this questionnaire, I will answer them as I answered question number five...

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

My small goals (keeping a clean house, keeping a tidy house, keeping my shit organised) have for the most part been set aside for larger and more important goals, like focusing on my babes/playing with them/feeding them/disciplining them/reading about parenting strategies/talking about parenting and my children with my friends and mothers-in-arms/building a strong family unit/building memories with my boys and partner. I like this change in priorities though...I'm starting to not mind the chaos of our house and the dust. In between the births of my two children when I was at work we had a housecleaner and that really helped, but at this point with my decision to go back to work at 80%, housecleaner is not on the 'need' list, just on the 'want' list, so we will make do.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

I'm not sure feminism has only failed mothers. I think it has failed all women. Because yes, our society (and I mean the North American society here...I realise it is different in other parts of the world) now suggests that not only can we do anything we want, we have to do it all. Not only is it important for you to be educated, get a job, be beautiful, have a partner, and have children, we also need to take care of our home, decorate it a la 'House and Home' or HGTV, eat well, be good to the planet, grow a garden, sew your gifts, bake your muffins, design your own clothes, etc etc. How can we possibly keep it up? How can we possibly be all these thing without cracking at some point? And why do we need to be these things, these people? Can we not just pick a few of these identities and say f&*( it to the rest? I can academically understand why it is ridiculous to feel as though I need to hand-make all of the party favour bags for my three year old's birthday party, and yet I still feel the pressure to do so, the overwhelming urge to sit down and start sewing...yet what am I proving by this act of handmade hypocrisy? That I am a better mother than all other mothers? That I'm just as good of a mother as my grandmother, who sewed or knit all her gifts and ironed her sheets, but didn't go to university, never read for pleasure or learned to drive. That I truly love my son and his friends and this is how I show it? Or that I'm just buying into this idea that not only can I be whatever I want to be, I have to be it all... And so, in a moment of sanity a few months ago, I put the fabric and sewing scissors away, drove to the store with my son and walked through the aisles and picked out some odds and ends for the party favours and felt much better.

And what about those other women...the women who either chose to not have children or who can't have children...what has feminism done for them? Because it feels to me as though women of today cannot escape the baby-making marketing machine of North American consumer culture....it is 'cool' to have a belly bump, to be a mother, to have that beautiful child as your accoutrement, to clothe in the latest designer duds... but what of the women out there who chose not to (or can not) be a part of this engine? What has feminism given them? If we were to believe what we read at the ends of the grocery checkout aisles, they are not a 'real' woman if they don't have children. So how has feminism helped their cause? I don't hear their voice in this discourse...

On the flip side, where would I be without feminism? Well, I wouldn't have been able to vote, and I am so grateful for being able to vote. I wouldn't have been able to so easily find work as scientist when I graduated from university. I wouldn't have attracted my husband, who found my independence and feminist leanings attractive, not just because of the person I am but because of how his own feminist mother taught him to value and respect these traits in women. I wouldn't have been able to feel comfortable keeping my own last name (or able to) when I got married. I wouldn't have been able to find an employer who valued my skills so much that they agreed to support my desire to pursue a PhD while working full-time (not to mention getting pregnant, twice, before finishing my thesis), while paying me equitably for the work that I do. I wouldn't have been able to take one year of paid leave from my work place after the birth of each of my children. And this is just a small list...there are so many more things I am grateful for, and owe those feminist women before me.

Clare's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
This is a multi-part answer. My mum is a feminist and was in the time before the word was invented. She left home at 17 in the 1940s because the opportunities for women where she lived in industrial England were very limited. She wasn't allowed to continue her education like her brothers. So we heard about that. A lot. And I'm one of 5 girls, so there was never any indication in our house that women were inferior in any way. My dad is wonderful and can't understand men who think that way. My brother is the same.

However, somewhere in my twenties, having married a chauvinist, I started to get weary of it all and although I still deeply believed in the equality concepts that go along with feminism I got tired of what I started hearing as rhetoric. Groups like the NACSW sounded shrill and defensive to my ears. Then as my kids got older (and my marriage broke up) I changed again. For the last 8 years I've raised my kids on my own (2 boys, 2 girls) and started working full time (and then some) and started looking at things through my own eyes again. I took my daughter on her first Take Back the Night Walk when she was about 12 and now she goes yearly with her friends.

So, after all that wordiness, I believe a feminist believes unequivocally that women and men have equal value and should have equitable rights, compensation, and opportunities. That can spin off into value for traditional women's work, etc., but if you have the core beliefs, that should happen organically.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
What has surprised me most is how different each of my four children is, and how much seems to be "hard-wired," and how early that appears. Although I like to think that decisions I make in my parenting shape them, I'm not sure of the extent of that. I'm also surprised by the fierceness of my love for them and how difficult it is to step back sometimes and not always smooth the way.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
Negotiation, empathy, a sense of fairness. Definitely time management and multi-tasking.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).
I have a child with Down syndrome and my biggest calling is ensuring for him inclusive education and social opportunites, meaningful work and adequate housing. That calling is very much tied to my life as a parent.

My job, although paid, feels very much like a calling. I'm a book publicist and I am learning all I can about new media and ways to promote our books in social communities in a meaningful way (ie., not annoying). So my online life is very full too and extends past the business day.

Personally, outside work and family responsibilities, I am called to make music. It is something I've done all my life, whether singing with my siblings or playing in an orchestra. It's not my living, but it feels like life's breath if I go without it too long.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?
sure. mother-writer-student-advocate-musician-community organizer
In ten years I hope that I will no longer be a student. Otherwise no change.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?
Very much a crossover, and no I don't have nearly enough time.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?
Payment is good and necessary, but I am just as fulfilled by my volunteer efforts. Success, a sense of community, a feeling of a job well done.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?
I always start with my paid work, but then I find it's incomplete so I start adding. Then they get this kind of stunned look on their faces and I feel like I've been bragging. Which is not what I meant to do. It's just all important to me.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?
I used to be content with simple goals (I had achieved them -- get married and have kids). I was very happy and lucky to stay home with my kids for 9 years, but I still volunteered a lot at the school. Now I've gone back to work full time and school part time. I need the degree to advance in my work, but I'm not looking outside my current company, so my goals are modest but include increase in responsibility and compensation.

Outside my job my goals are always to stay involved in issues of social justice.

My goals for my kids include them having the opportunities I had. Being the sole provider for my kids makes it more difficult so I've had to make choices. We buy much less "stuff" but the kids take lessons, go on trips, etc.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?
I think anything that takes away choice threatens equality. For example, older feminist ideas that said you shouldn't stay home with the kids, that you had to have a career. There was no sense that it was ok to choose a simpler life, or that you could be a feminist and just really, really want to spend time with your babies. I think that has changed, and it's good.

I don't have a lot of insight on this one. I'm just really glad that I'm raising my girls to question the status quo and the idea that someone else imposes on them what they SHOULD do as a woman.

Pam's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

The dictionary defines "feminism" as the advocacy of equal rights for women. Society, on the other hand, defines feminism as a movement mostly of women who are simply a 'nuisance' to be tolerated, listened to and then ignored. Ironically, though, it is society that has tried to define us as women and our roles, our capacities and place in this world. No, I'm not a bitter person ... nor a feminist who joins other in the cause. I am a 'person' who has created my life around (not within) the constraints that society has devised; as well, I have lived 'within' the true nature that my physical being has given me. Although associated with my 'role,' I actually chose to be a mother with children. Eventually I chose to divorce (although indirectly, it really was my ex-husband's choice). I chose to go back to school and to move ahead with a new profession in teaching (had been a registered nurse before spending 17 years at home working as a wife, mother, and leader of women's/young mothers' groups). Essentially, I have always been what society calls a feminist ... by example which is my voice.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

The surprise in parenthood: that although I worked very hard to avoid the mistakes I perceived my parents making ... and I did avoid those, I made my own 'unique' mistakes ... which I am certain my children with avoid -- at least I hope they will!! They other surprises were just how very tiring and demanding a job it is physically when they are young. You have no time to re-charge your batteries often. I was also suprised though by the absolute protectiveness and devotion and love I felt as a young Mum ... the miracle of their development as time went on.

Now though as a Grandma, I cannot believe how much my daughters have matured as young women with their own voices, their own identities and the complete devotion and concern with which they dedicate themselves to their children. I am learning so much from them!

Finally, I am amazed by the friendship that has developed with my daughters at this stage in their lives and mine. Part of that friendship involves an honesty -- I love that they both feel free to criticize me often in a supportive way ... sometimes not. I am also amazed that I am often defensive indicating I am still in the process of maturing as a human being which I expect will go on forever! That necessity to keep growing is wonderful!

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Your question is in the past tense! I am still learning and honing as a parent and as a grandparent. Fortunately, we are always learning and hopefully maturing.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

I have always been drawn to 'caring for others' in some capacity. That sounds like an old-fashioned response from a woman who grew up in the late '60s, but it is perhaps in the nature of some of us. I find 'meaning' in sharing what I may have to support others. It's not an 'ego' thing ... I don't look for praise or recognition. I simply want to serve the needs of those who I am fortunate enough to work for. Thus, that sense within has led me into nursing and teaching. Moreover, I have always had a deep sense of 'social justice,' an interest in the political scene in the world around me and in the empowering others with confidence in themselves in developing their own potential ... whether they be young men or young women ... or friends ...

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

My identity in a nutshell: person-mother-grandmother-teacher-mentor-always a student-risk-taker with others and myself-friend. My friends and family would say that I am highly independent ... although I expect in 10 or 20 years, that independence will wane due to aging. However, my hope is that if/when I retire, I will do some writing ... preferably short stories. I was an English teacher and was compelled to write as a young mother after I returned to university when my youngest child, Sarah, was in grade 1.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work for me has to be a 'vocation.' Joseph Campbell in his book, The Power of Myth, claimed we must "follow our bliss." That has been my mantra in everything I do, consequently leisure for me involves being with family (especially a game of Crazy Eights with my grandsons) ... and being in my garden as well as entertaining.

I have never put constraints on what I want to do but sadly society does. I am 66 years old working with at-risk teenagers at a school in Guelph. It is a very demanding but very rewarding job. I am grateful to be learning and working with these young people. Recently though, I considered applying the skills I have developed by applying for a position as a Justice of the Peace. I know I have the qualities they are looking for; however, I received a letter from the Dept. of Justice indicating that because I am over the age of 65, I cannot be considered for this position. They claim that had I already been working within their system, I could work until I am 75. I have NEVER felt that there are limitations in what I might want to do in life. In fact, I returned to university when I was 55 years of age and graduated from the MBA program and the University of Victoria specializing in Management Consulting at the Ivey School of Business. However, 'the bottom line' was not the way I could function, I found out!

This other age restriction is something I am trying to come to grips with ... in some way. A part of me is outraged!

My other interest is the Centre for Innovative Governance ... in Waterloo. I am drawn to strategic thinking and to find solutions to problems. It was an area I did very well in at business school. A little voice in me is screaming to see if there is any possibility for me at that amazing Think Tank.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

We all have to be practical: money is essential to survival ... but, if there is no joy in the process of earning our keep, then we might as well not be doing it. I believe without that excitement to come to work each day, a little part of us can die. It is eroding. So, we need to do all that we can to adhere to a vocation.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

When people aske me what I do, I reply that I work with at-risk students. I feel privileged to say that because I absolutely feel that way.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

N/A

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

We still have a long way to go in developing our inner voices as human beings. Identity for me is an ever-evolving and ever-changing process. I look forward to the surprises that await me.