Katy's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

I think I've always been a feminist, in part because of my parents and how they raised me (set your sights high, dream the big dreams, you can be whatever you put your mind to, you are intelligent, you are capable, you are you), and because my mother was/is a feminist in the classical sense of the word, having taught women's studies and political science at UW, so dinner table conversations were often around issues of feminism and politics, and because of my strong-willed (read stubborn) nature, such that it never made sense to me why I couldn't do what a boy could do, why I couldn't be what a boy could be, why I couldn't be hired for a job a man could do, why I couldn't be paid what a man is paid for the same work, and the list goes on...

Feminism is defined in my mind as equality - women being treated the same way a man is treated in society (at home, at work, at play).

That being said, the word feminist does have a negative connotation in today's day, perhaps because of the extreme voices of certain feminists before us. There are certain friends that I have that would say that they are not feminists, mainly because of the negative connotation of the word and what saying 'I am a feminist' implies...perhaps they have visions of topless women who go to rallies, speak negatively about all men, and...well, you get the picture...yet if you asked them if they wanted to be treated equally for what they do, they would say yes...so they are in fact feminists by my definition but uncomfortable with the word itself..

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

I was most surprised by parenthood's consuming nature...of time, of body, of strength, of energy, and of sleep. Because even when they are sleeping, which continues to be a moving target in our house, I find I sometimes lie awake wondering about them... And I know that with the littlest of children, this is a stage when their all-consuming nature is utterly overwhelming at times and that it will change, but right now it is all-consuming.

Parenthood has taught me to slow down and take it moment by moment, as I watch time fly by at such speed, particularly when I measure it by how much my babes have changed. Pre-children, my days seemed longer...

I was prepared for loving my children, but not quite prepared for how heart-breaking a love it is. It takes my breath away.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Time management and organization are two key skills that I always thought I was good at, before children, but heck, I didn't know anything about it till I had those little babes (particularly after the second). Particularly critical when I change my daytime activity from that of being at home with my lovies to going "back to work" to my paid employment (and I do realise when I write that, that those words are heavy words...and I will get to that in a minute).

Before children, I struggled with anxiety, mostly about my health and the health of my loved ones. I continue to struggle with it on certain off-days, but have found that if I didn't somehow learn some coping strategies, it would become immobilizing, particularly with young children, since there are worries to the nth degree I could devote all of my time to, yet what I really need to be doing is devoting my time to my family, day by day, minute by minute. I feel as though I've conquered my anxiety...most days, and the driver of this was becoming a parent.

I'm also learning to really 'be' in the moment...to breathe in each day with my boys, even when I feel like pulling my hair out and crying.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

I have a need to be a number of different persons all wrapped into this body. I certainly don't feel called to being domestic and cooking or cleaning, but I define those things as work, and despite my entirely supportive and loving husband, I still do the majority of such domestic work in our home...so that is one type of 'work' that I do. My other 'work' hat that I wear is that of scientist. I have wanted to be a scientist all of my life. I love reading about science, designing studies, crunching numbers, reading academic journals, writing research papers, attending a really good conference at least once a year, partaking in 'aha' moments or discussions with colleagues after wrestling with some difficult data and finally making sense of it, of getting recognized for the work that I (and my colleagues do), whether through new grant money, more budget, a publication in a journal, etc etc... I originally started my "academic" career as an environmental microbiologist, focusing on issues that affected drinking water quality and human health, but in recent years have morphed my career into that of epidemiologist working for the federal government on public health and disease surveillance issues for the country. I like to think that when I go to work, I have a small part in making Canada's food and water safer. And so perhaps my voice is somewhat different than the voices of others who have responded to your questionnaire, because although I absolutely love my children and would die for them, I also crave being 'at work'...the other kind of work. And I suppose I believe my paid work makes me a better mother because my work makes me a happier person. And a part of me feels defensive of this choice, just as other women who have answered your questionnaire write that they feel they need to 'defend' their choice to be a stay at home mom, or qualify it with a timeline. I feel particularly sensitive and defensive of my choice to go 'back to work', in comparison to the other choices I've made as a parent (ie: I chose to breastfeed till my first was two, I loved wearing my baby, we still co-sleep, I believe in vaccinations, I try and parent a la 'colarosso', we didn't circumcise, etc etc...but I never felt defensive about any of those choices like I do about my choice to go back to work). I do feel that other women (particularly) judge my choice to go 'back to work', and the overriding feeling I have is that 'they' think I am 'less of a mother'...why would I leave my children, 'let another woman raise them', and focus on my career? I can only say that I really feel that my desire to be this person, who wears so many different hats, overrides my desire to stay at home with my children when they are young. I feel grateful that I work for an employer (the federal government) that is incredibly supportive of working mothers. I can flex my time. I can go back to work at 80%, which I'm doing. I am paid 95% of my salary for one full year after the birth of each child. I have sick days that are speficially designated for if a child of mine is sick. I work a 7 hour day and am well-paid for it, rarely ever feeling like I need to work overtime or on a weekend. I can opt out of most work-related travel...etc etc... If I wasn't so well-supported at my workplace, I would definitely stay at home, because being away from my kids for 8 hours in the day is my maximum. I do have friends who work in Toronto, have kids, work 60 hour weeks, and have nannies and I couldn't do that. But I feel I/we have struck the right balance for this stage in our life, for our family. That being said, I try very hard these days to not judge other people's realities. This is something that parenthood is slowly teaching me. It is so easy to point the finger and say 'I would never do what they are doing', but in reality, I don't know anything about their reality. Only my own. And I feel confident in the choices I've made...so far. I know there will be things I regret as a parent, but I really feel as though this (working full time while my kids are young) is not one of them. I would hope that my boys will grow up to see that their mother has been able to strike a balance between work and home, and that I am able to teach them about the strength of women, their power, their need to be treated equally and respected...and loved.

I personally respect and admire all women who choose to stay home with their children, when they are young and older too. It is a tough job...in my limited experience, the toughest job I've ever had. And takes a toll on our career aspirations and our pocket books, yet it is one of the most noble of professions out there and should have as much social currency as that of a doctor. It should be paid work but it isn't. I wish our government would recognize its value by allowing for a tax break of the sole income earner in the home with a stay-at-home father or mother...this would help relieve some of the economic burden that stay-at-home mothers/fathers face through lack of income and pension/RRSP contributions during the time they are working at home to raise their children... If we could only get a private members bill through for this idea instead of the long gun registry!!!!

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

Mother first and foremost. Wife. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Scientist. But mother comes before all...perhaps that's because of the particularly all-consuming stage of mothering that I am in at the moment. I do realise that my identity will change, and my mothering will change...in ten years, though, my kids will still be mere babes in the woods, so I feel mother will still be first and foremost on the list. I would hope in twenty years I will be all that I am today and more.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work is 'stuff that you are paid to do or have to do'. Leisure is stuff that you want to do. After having children, I don't ever feel there is enough time in the day to get the housework done. Nor do I think there is enough time in the day to do my favourite leisurely past-times (for me...), like sewing or reading, or hanging out with friends. At home we try and make 'play time' our priority, and on weekend our leisure time is mostly focused on stuff with the kids, like hikes or walks or playing or visiting with friends. At this stage in our family life, we are fitting domestic duties in when the boys are sleeping, or skipping them all-together. Cooking is a necessity and is done with the little ones under feet, but I wish I had more time to pore over cookbooks and make decadent meals every night of the week. At work, I rarely feel time-pressured...it seems so much more manageable than the pressure-cooker of family life, by comparison.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

In the 'workforce', payment is critical, and should be equal pay for equal work, despite the fact that it STILL isn't. And while we're on the subject, let me mention here that on two occasions I have been overtly sexually harassed while at work and on another occasion (different employer), a job was given to a male colleague who was less qualified and less experienced to do the work despite the fact I was interested in the promotion and had mentioned to my boss that I wanted the opportunity. I currently feel as though I get paid fairly for my work, and at one point there was a review of pay equity in our particular government division and it was considered to be very good..that being said, 90% of the people I work with are women. And of the few senior positions in our division, they are all filled by men.

At home, recognition of the domestic work that is done is much more nuanced...a simple thanks or a comment/observation is often enough. Jeremy and I strive for balancing the domestic chores though I continue to do more than he, partly because I am often more efficient and faster, and partly because the inequality pervades even the most well-intentioned of households.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

I always feel funny when people ask me that question, because it is a social mechanism for judging you, putting you in a box, defining you by other people's terms. Oh, you're a stay at home mom...I see. Oh, you're a teacher...I see. Oh, you're a housecleaner....I see. Oh, you're a doctor...I see. Oh, you have a PhD...I see. I will tell people that I'm an epidemiologist, which often is followed by a long discussion of what that actually means, but I particularly detest the question, because I'm more than an epidemiologist...But that is my box on the social party/chit chat/small talk circuit. Perhaps after answering this questionnaire, I will answer them as I answered question number five...

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

My small goals (keeping a clean house, keeping a tidy house, keeping my shit organised) have for the most part been set aside for larger and more important goals, like focusing on my babes/playing with them/feeding them/disciplining them/reading about parenting strategies/talking about parenting and my children with my friends and mothers-in-arms/building a strong family unit/building memories with my boys and partner. I like this change in priorities though...I'm starting to not mind the chaos of our house and the dust. In between the births of my two children when I was at work we had a housecleaner and that really helped, but at this point with my decision to go back to work at 80%, housecleaner is not on the 'need' list, just on the 'want' list, so we will make do.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

I'm not sure feminism has only failed mothers. I think it has failed all women. Because yes, our society (and I mean the North American society here...I realise it is different in other parts of the world) now suggests that not only can we do anything we want, we have to do it all. Not only is it important for you to be educated, get a job, be beautiful, have a partner, and have children, we also need to take care of our home, decorate it a la 'House and Home' or HGTV, eat well, be good to the planet, grow a garden, sew your gifts, bake your muffins, design your own clothes, etc etc. How can we possibly keep it up? How can we possibly be all these thing without cracking at some point? And why do we need to be these things, these people? Can we not just pick a few of these identities and say f&*( it to the rest? I can academically understand why it is ridiculous to feel as though I need to hand-make all of the party favour bags for my three year old's birthday party, and yet I still feel the pressure to do so, the overwhelming urge to sit down and start sewing...yet what am I proving by this act of handmade hypocrisy? That I am a better mother than all other mothers? That I'm just as good of a mother as my grandmother, who sewed or knit all her gifts and ironed her sheets, but didn't go to university, never read for pleasure or learned to drive. That I truly love my son and his friends and this is how I show it? Or that I'm just buying into this idea that not only can I be whatever I want to be, I have to be it all... And so, in a moment of sanity a few months ago, I put the fabric and sewing scissors away, drove to the store with my son and walked through the aisles and picked out some odds and ends for the party favours and felt much better.

And what about those other women...the women who either chose to not have children or who can't have children...what has feminism done for them? Because it feels to me as though women of today cannot escape the baby-making marketing machine of North American consumer culture....it is 'cool' to have a belly bump, to be a mother, to have that beautiful child as your accoutrement, to clothe in the latest designer duds... but what of the women out there who chose not to (or can not) be a part of this engine? What has feminism given them? If we were to believe what we read at the ends of the grocery checkout aisles, they are not a 'real' woman if they don't have children. So how has feminism helped their cause? I don't hear their voice in this discourse...

On the flip side, where would I be without feminism? Well, I wouldn't have been able to vote, and I am so grateful for being able to vote. I wouldn't have been able to so easily find work as scientist when I graduated from university. I wouldn't have attracted my husband, who found my independence and feminist leanings attractive, not just because of the person I am but because of how his own feminist mother taught him to value and respect these traits in women. I wouldn't have been able to feel comfortable keeping my own last name (or able to) when I got married. I wouldn't have been able to find an employer who valued my skills so much that they agreed to support my desire to pursue a PhD while working full-time (not to mention getting pregnant, twice, before finishing my thesis), while paying me equitably for the work that I do. I wouldn't have been able to take one year of paid leave from my work place after the birth of each of my children. And this is just a small list...there are so many more things I am grateful for, and owe those feminist women before me.