Jess's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

Feminism to me is about the social and economic liberation of women. I guess that’s a fairly text book, socialist feminist definition of feminism but it’s not a cop out. For me, it is genuine, succinct and poignant.

My mum identifies as a feminist though not in any vocal way and our feminist practices/understandings/analysis are eons apart. I think I’ve been a feminist for as long as Ireally knew what one was...since mid high school, at least. I was always the kid with the heightened sense of justice and fairness. Feminism, I think, is my default.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

I am continually blown away by my ability to love something as much as I hate it (I’m talking about mothering, not my child – I love him. I don’t hate him, ever). All in one emotion. It’s such a fine line and somedays, there is no line at all.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

I’ve never been more creative. I don’t think I ever really understood what people meant when they spoke of parenting creatively. I get it now. I thought I’d learn greater patience, but perhaps that comes once the baby years pass and the sleep deprivation subsides.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

Some days I have no idea. I have always worked for social justice, both professionally and personally, and I remain deeply committed to it on a philosophical level but I feel so sapped by parenting that I don’t know how or if I’ll ever be useful again. I definitely feel a calling to mothering which I wrestle with on a feminist level, though intellectually, I know I shouldn’t.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

This question makes me feel sick. I am so deeply struggling with my identity right now, having just made the decision not to return to work after 12 months maternity leave. Today, I want to be mother-student-activist-worker. That’s not do-able right now. Right now, I’m a mother. I hope that in 10 years, I’ve found a healthy way to taste all the pieces of the pie.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Mothering my son is always work and sometimes leisure. I am the most fulfilled as a parent when my partner and I are parenting together. When we go away and it’s both of us, all the time, I rarely feel like mothering is work and I find a lot of pleasure in my family. I find leisure and pleasure in many of the kid activities/playgroups we do – anywhere that there are other like minded parents around, really. I enjoy the solidarity and the social time. And I love seeing my kid happy and engaged. It’s the times between that the work feels like a chore. I think it’s important to acknowledge all aspects of parenting as work but to delineate between the good bits and the chore elements.

As a stay-at-home parent, I definitely have enough time to put into my parenting work but I rarely manage anything else and I really struggle with that. I do get some ‘me time’ but I don’t find it especially satisfying.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

Under capitalism, it is essential. Certainly pleasure and enjoyment of some work or aspects of work provide great satisfaction but it does nothing to boost the perceived value of [parenting] work.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

This has recently changed. Until a few weeks ago, I’d say that I was on maternity leave but then give a detailed explanation of my job/career (as a community development worker). Now, I talk about how I’ve recently decided to take some time out to raise my kid[s] but that I’m thinking about study and not closed to a small, part time job. I have this innate need for people to see me as able, skilled and talented in more than parenting. No matter how much I recognise and intellectualise the absolute value of mothering, I’m still incredibly uneasy with identifying as ‘just a mum’ which is what I currently am.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

I don’t think they have though I’m feeling like I might need to lower my expectations or risk a lot of disappointment/perceived failure. I’m in denial for the moment though.

10. How has feminism failed mothers/fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers/fathers? What could it give?

I don’t think feminism has failed us. I think the system fails us. I think society fails us. The myth of ‘having it all’ is often blamed on feminism, unfairly, in my view. Having it all might be possible in a world that was less competitive and consumer driven and more balanced, egalitarian and compassionate. Having it all can’t be possible for mothers until everyone, regardless of sex, race, class, sexuality etc etc can have it all. That is not the fault of feminism – but it certainly is a reason for feminism and the broader work of justice seeking.

Those ‘power’ feminists who discount the important and valuable work of mothering are convenient distractions and really, just pawns in a bigger power play. It’s such a shame that women are so deeply socialised to be critical of other women and their choices – the patriarchy is very good at having others do it’s dirty work.

Feminism has allowed families to broaden their definitions and redefine roles. It has demanded that women’s work is valued and valuable – the case is nowhere near closed, but at least it’s open now. It has allowed fathers the opportunity to enjoy and meaningfully contribute to parenting and to carry some of emotional and physical burden too. It has also empowered mothers to expect and (hopefully) demand more.