Nancy's Thoughts

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
I define feminism as believing in women's rights and equality for women, no matter what race, religion or socio-economical status. I believe people who care about women's rights and the respect of women and the right to gender equality are all feminists. I find "feminism" has become such an umbrella term for a lot of varied emotions and beliefs. It's unfortunate that sometimes the term can be stereotyped and many women react negatively to the term or refuse to use it to define themselves as they wrongly associate the term with women who possibly hate men and/or hate women who are homemakers/stay-at-home mothers. I am a feminist because I believe in equal rights for women; that there are many women who need a voice when they find themselves victimized or subjugated or silenced in the world. I believe in pro-choice and that a woman's body is her own and she should make any and all decisions as to what happens to that body or not (in cases of, for instance, infibulation to secure virginity for dowry purposes, abortion, etc.) I became a feminist around the age of 21/22. I was a bit of a late bloomer, but I recall finding my voice and my "self" at that age. I had been raised Catholic and certainly that Church and the issues I gradually began to have with it steered me towards becoming a feminist for sure. There were times growing up when I felt acutely the role of women in that faith seemed very undermined and dismissed. But I didn't feel I fully embraced what I define as 'feminism' until my early 20s.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
The number one thing has been the capacity for depth of patience. I am surprised at my own wells of energy and strength I didn't know I still possessed if I'd become a new mum at a younger age (I was 42 this year when he was born). I am surprised at how much I have been able to handle on my own as a single parent. I chose single parenthood, which is not how a lot of people end up being one. I pursued IVF surgery on my own with an anonymous donor after many years of infertility struggle in a previous 9-year relationship. I am also surprised at the vulnerability I feel should anything ever happen to him - that protecting and providing for him is such an all-encompassing, never-ending focus. I knew I'd find the strength and such, but the vulnerability about it is lurking there all the time. You are so afraid he might get hurt, or injured or upset by something (anything), that you are on the lookout all the time to ward off the chance that any one of those things could happen to him.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
I've learned to always carry a second, even a third outfit on outings in case the one he has becomes soiled. Learned that the hard way! I do feel I've learned a lot as a parent from having watched my own mother: I attribute much of the love of motherhood to her wondrous example. She was a very loving, giving, patient mother and she LOVED mothering, that shone through. I also was blessed to have the time and resources to read a lot to try to prepare for parenthood (as best as I could) beforehand. I still don't think one can truly prepare oneself for all the feelings and emotions becoming a parent entails. A skill I have honed has to be the patience again. I am astounded at myself - I've always been a little impatient in life. But I find, when it comes to him, I've yet to get to a point where his behavior frustrates or angers me in any way. I think some parents out there have a hard time understanding that when an infant or toddler is crying, it can be her/his only way of trying to communicate something. I think there needs to be more focus put on helping parents, especially young parents, understand that crying is the way a baby or toddler tries to communicate something rather than it being an "acting out" or attempt to annoy or get angry with her/his parent. Becoming a new parent is a terribly stressful time - not to mention the hormonal upheaval for new mothers - and I think it can sadly lead to instances where babies are physically shaken or even to the extent of suicides in some mothers, where the realities of the intense stressors of parenting combined with hormonal chaos and emotional immaturity overshadow any of its joys. I am thankful I don't have a problem finding the patience I need. Perhaps this may change when he's a teen! But seriously, I think it may also be that I am at the stage of life I am (in my 40s already). I am also financially able to provide for my child. I have a steady job. I have security and good benefits. So maybe I can "afford" to be as patient as I find myself being. It took me a long time to learn patience towards myself and others and I really feel the benefits of learning how to de-stress and not let things get to me the way they used to when I was younger. Of course, I am also blessed with a very easy-going baby and a secure, financial situation so who knows how much patience I would honestly have if he were colicky or I was not able to make an income to adequately meet the demands of parenting which, I imagine, would be an inordinate amount of stress added to a time that is inherently stressful in and of itself. Perhaps what I deem to be my endless capacity for patience would meet its limit under different, more trying circumstances.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).
Outside of feeling the call to mother him, I would say the biggest call for me is acting (either theatre or film) which I would have liked to pursue as my career (I studied and pursued a Joint Honours degree in Theatre and English Literature). The work I feel called to do after acting is writing.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?
I always tend to define myself as a feminist first. I don't think stating that I am a mother first now should somehow preclude the fact that I am always going to define myself as a feminist, no matter what else my identity embraces and it may embrace a good many things in years to come. I could suggest the term "Mominist" as a combo of both! In terms of an identity for myself, I guess I would say Mother-Actor-Writer. I have had professional training as an actor so until I've accomplished as much in writing as I have in acting, I would say this would be the order of things right now in terms of my own identity. In 10 years, I will still be a Mother (Mominist) first. I hope to be Mother-Writer-Actor in 10 years. That is, I think the chance I have to somehow tie writing into how I make my income is greater than pursuing acting for monetary sustenance. In 20 years, I hope to pursue acting again when I may find a little more freedom to do so. But I also hope to explore a lot more of my artistic nature (my interest in photography, painting, etc.) So I would say Artist-Writer-Mother, is how I hope I'd define myself in 20 years. (Being an artist can include my acting pursuits, as well as other artistic pursuits I feel I hold up my sleeve but have not had the time or circumstances to explore).

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?
Work is something I define as something one must do to make money. If I have to "work" at something, I don't always necessarily love it or I would define work as, perhaps, something that would not be my first choice in how to make my income but is a necessary way to make it or perhaps the only venue available to me if I cannot make it doing what I love to do instead. Leisure I define as time to explore what you love or something you feel a calling or inclination to try that you feel you might love. The work I do, I do have enough time to do. That is, the way I now make my income is not my first-choice, but I have been able to fashion a way to make income requiring the least amount of my own time that does not encroach too much on my leisure time when I can pursue the things I love to do. I work a 35-hour work week and I do like what I do (which helps). But it is not how I would love to be making my income. I do it out of necessity (to pay a mortgage, to finance being a parent, etc.) Were I to make an income (enough that I could keep a roof over my head and food on the table) being an actor or writer or artist, I would definitely choose to do that and I wouldn't call that or define that as "work". I'd just feel very lucky to be paid to do something I love and would choose to do with my leisure time anyway.


7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?
This is quite an intriguing question. For example, I work overtime hours every now and then. I could choose to be paid extra for those hours, but I choose instead to translate them into time off. Time off that does not reduce my regular paycheque is a reward to me - I choose to take the value of time over money when I can. Though since I've already worked the hours during overtime, it's not really unpaid time off. It's still valued as paid work that has been completed, I guess. I do think Europe has a good approach though - family vacation time for many European jobs starts at 6 or 7 weeks paid throughout the year. They seem to value time spent with family much more as something that keeps an employee happy and content and hard-working / devoted. When I worked years ago in the financial district, they had certain days where they would recognize employees for the work they'd achieved. I think being valued and recognized for your work is an important incentive to valuing your work yourself and feeling valued. I left my highest paid job I've ever had and one of the main reasons I handed in my notice was that I felt the work I did was undervalued and undermined. The pay was nice, but I hated the atmosphere. It was quite backwards and demeaning and a little soul-destroying. I am much happier making much less than I did back then in a better, more open, more respectful work atmosphere. But again, I have had the "choice" to leave/go elsewhere. Many people do not find themselves in that situation.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?
I reply that I assist the Department of Global Studies at a local university. Sometimes, I admit, my first inclination would be to state that I work in academia, and, if pressed, I THEN admit that I am on the administrative side of that type of work. I do feel a hesitation or need to explain, somehow, my role in administration there. I feel women in administrative roles (and men in them, as well) are stereotyped as maybe not having had the brains or ambition to do something else as a career. I myself have done more challenging, better-paying, and higher 'valued' jobs. There have been many times where I've felt I am "smarter" than my current job would define me as (or at least the stereotype of the job I do). I feel badly when I feel this because having that feeling implies that one does not need a brain to do the work I do, which is not true. But many women 'end up' in more administrative-type roles rather than them being something someone pursues. I suppose I never imagined myself in this particular role, even though I do feel the work I do there is of value and is valued by the people with whom I work. I'm not sure it's as valued by me as it could be. It is more than just a means to an end for me. I am happy doing this work. I love to work with the students, and I respect the faculty members with whom I work. I am not afraid to state that I would much rather be making my income at what I was trained to do: Acting or some more artistic pursuit (writing, photography, poetry, yoga, etc.) I have always found it challenging to see myself in a cubicle or office setting, but I was the main source of income in my 9-year relationship and ended up setting aside my own artistic pursuits because my common-law spouse had been at his own artistic pursuits longer. I think many women put aside their own goals for their spouse to pursue theirs unfortunately. I can cite examples I have seen of this moreso in heterosexual couples I know versus lesbian couples. I kick myself now for placing my own pursuits second to his, though I admit that, had I not been making the money I was making for the two of us to live that way, I would not have been able to afford later the IVF surgery on my own that led to me having my beautiful child. Fertility treatment was expensive and I was acutely aware that it would have to be me making the money necessary to pursue that particular goal since my partner was an artist and would not be able to make the kind of money required. That's a long answer to a short question. But there it is. I made the choices I made at the end of the day. I might make them differently given a chance again (I may have left my marriage much earlier, pursued an IVF earlier, etc.)

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?
My own pursuits are no longer my first priority/goal. I am consciously setting them on a backburner. I knew this going into the decision to try for a child at 41 years of age via IVF. I weighed all of this into my decision, and putting off certain things (like traveling more, more artistic pursuits) was a factor in pursuing my goal to become a parent. That was my number one goal and now that I've achieved that goal, my first goal would be to give my son every opportunity he can have to flourish and realize his goals. The help I need to reach my current goals? It would be nice to feel secure about where he will be well cared for when I must return to work. Since I am a single parent, I have no choice but to return to the workforce when my maternity leave is up. However, he will only be 13 months old when I do return to work. That is five months younger than most daycares will admit an infant to care. Finding an affordable and safe, secure daycare facility (or person's home) in which to place him when I return to work is my number one goal right now. I heard a rumour some time ago that the government was considering extending maternity leave until a child is 18 months of age (the age when most daycares will admit a child into their care). This makes the most sense to me and I wish the government would make it a priority for working parents. Other kinds of help: I would love another pair of arms helping me to raise him. I do hope to still meet someone, though at times I wonder whether I do want to enter into another serious, long-term relationship with anyone again (the last one seemed to drain certain parts of me away for which I had to scrape down deep to find again and never wish to lose again). I would like him to have a father figure, if possible, in his life. Though I do know he will have great male role models already in his uncles and older cousins.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?
Wow this is a challenging question since I don't like to think there is anything negative about feminism. I think the feminist movement, when it first began, DID fail mothers in undervaluing the role they play or boxing them into a limited category or definition of womanhood. I think the feminist movement equated motherhood as a woman "giving up" her right to pursue her own dreams, etc. But what if your dream as a girl was to be a great mom? I want to share a story: I was at an all-girls, Catholic high school in Grade 11. And one week, a speaker came to talk to the students about considering male-dominated careers, such as engineering or science-based jobs or pursuing MBAs, etc. One thing I remember about that day was that all the teachers and administrative women at the high school wore pink blouses. They defined themselves as being pink-collar workers (women in traditionally female jobs). And they wanted to make their own statements about it by wearing these blouses. Nowadays I would think that a speaker coming to a school to encourage girls to pursue whatever it is they dream of doing (being an astronaut, the prime minister, an engineer, etc.) is a great idea. But what I remember about the visit from this woman was at the end of her speech, I put up my hand and asked "what's wrong with wanting to be a mom at home? (The term stay-at-home mom had not come into full use at that time - I think stay-at-home moms were still referred to as "homemakers"). The woman, of course, did not argue with me about the importance of that role, but was there to encourage the girls to see outside the box, etc. When I look back now, perhaps that is when I began to find my own voice about women and how they are valued in our society (or not valued). Because I felt that the role my mum held was being undervalued by this woman, even then. And I thought my mum should have been valued much, MUCH more than she was. (I still think this. Even she has problems all these years later placing value on herself and seeing the great importance of raising six children as a stay-at home mom.) I didn't realize my attempt to challenge this woman was an act of my own feminism (or the seeds of it) in and of itself. It may seem paradoxical, but it was. I applaud this woman now for coming and trying to encourage us. I think girls need all the encouragement they can get and that they should get it early on. But I remember thinking the role of mother was not being valued by this feminist speaker, whether that was true or not at the time. It was how I perceived it back then. I'm not sure in what way feminism has let down fathers. I think that is for fathers to say, perhaps. I think stay-at-home Dads may be undervalued, perhaps just as much as stay-at-home Moms are. I think any parent who stays at home to raise children is one amazing person. Lots of people can afford to be a stay-at-home parent and choose not to, and that is their right as well. But I think it may also be because they do realize how challenging and all-encompassing and never-ending that role is - I imagine it is much harder than anyone gives it credit. What has feminism given mothers and fathers? I think feminism has been able to open itself up enough to include the role of the mother or parent as incredibly important and of greater value than it initially considered that role at the beginning of the feminist movement. I am happy and blessed to know many mothers (and fathers) who would define themselves as feminist and incorporate their beliefs into how they parent and raise their children. What could it give? I wish I had more time to answer these in greater depth and I think I've been much too verbose in attempting to answer these questions as it is. (Editing and brevity being my weak points). There is so much work still to be done. I think there are still huge gender boundaries in place that have yet to be o'erleapt. There are still gender inequalities to break down. And gender stereotypes to break through. I think raising our children to be feminists, whether they are male or female, can be a good start...I don't have time to make this a longer answer than it already is. But thank you for the most intriguing questions. This was a very thought-provoking exercise!

Cheers,
Nancy