Moms Are Feminists Too questionnaire

Heather's Thoughts

2010-01-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

I can pinpoint the moment I became a feminist--I was five, and playing doctor with a little boy. When I told him it was my turn ti be the doctor, he told me girls couldn't be doctors. I told him he was wrong--my own doctor was a woman--but he insisted he was right and said my doctor was actually a nurse. It seems small, of course, but I can clearly remember how frustrated I was and also how my own certainty about and freedom in my world was shaken. I worry about that moment happening for my own daughter.

I'd say I think of feminisms, rather than 'feminism'--there are so many different schools of thought that fall under that term. I think of my own feminism as an attempt to find equal space, time and value for women's lives. I think of women's equality as including but going beyond equal opportunities, i.e. the same chance at a job, the same voting rights. Equality would mean creating that space, time and value for the physical and biological reality of a woman's life cycle.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
I've only been mothering for seven weeks. I expected to feel this fierce protectiveness, but it can still be surprising. I'm surprised, too, at what a people magnet a baby is, even in big bad Toronto. i think it's telling, actually; I really do think it takes a village to raise a child, and I've been thinking about ways to invite the village in.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Again, seven weeks in, but I'm learning to type one-handed! And to fold a prefold. And maybe to relax a bit more. But that may be exhaustion.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

Called to, hmm, I don't know that I feel a calling; I have curiosities about things, and I follow those. In the humanities, academics are supposed to feel a calling I think, a hangover from the time we were all monks. But I think there are other ways to be committed to the world.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

Related to above, I don't really think about myself that way, as a string of nouns--I like instead to think in verbs. They seem more flexible to me, more precise, and less vulnerable to others' assumptions. Maybe I'm totally wrong about that. But at that imaginary cocktail party I'd say I'd say I'm writing a dissertation, and helping to raise a daughter, and doing some freelance editing on the side, which is teaching me a lot about finances. Ten years from now I hope there will be more things about my new community in that list.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

I think we tend to see work as the serious and important--Wallace Stevens may have written poems in his down time at the insurance company, but we'd still call it his work. Leisure is considered the less serious, less important, possibly more personal and private. Then we come to the question of what counts as serious and important--how about grandma's quilt?

Jess's Thoughts

2010-01-06T08:06:00.000-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

Feminism to me is about the social and economic liberation of women. I guess that’s a fairly text book, socialist feminist definition of feminism but it’s not a cop out. For me, it is genuine, succinct and poignant.

My mum identifies as a feminist though not in any vocal way and our feminist practices/understandings/analysis are eons apart. I think I’ve been a feminist for as long as Ireally knew what one was...since mid high school, at least. I was always the kid with the heightened sense of justice and fairness. Feminism, I think, is my default.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

I am continually blown away by my ability to love something as much as I hate it (I’m talking about mothering, not my child – I love him. I don’t hate him, ever). All in one emotion. It’s such a fine line and somedays, there is no line at all.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

I’ve never been more creative. I don’t think I ever really understood what people meant when they spoke of parenting creatively. I get it now. I thought I’d learn greater patience, but perhaps that comes once the baby years pass and the sleep deprivation subsides.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

Some days I have no idea. I have always worked for social justice, both professionally and personally, and I remain deeply committed to it on a philosophical level but I feel so sapped by parenting that I don’t know how or if I’ll ever be useful again. I definitely feel a calling to mothering which I wrestle with on a feminist level, though intellectually, I know I shouldn’t.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

This question makes me feel sick. I am so deeply struggling with my identity right now, having just made the decision not to return to work after 12 months maternity leave. Today, I want to be mother-student-activist-worker. That’s not do-able right now. Right now, I’m a mother. I hope that in 10 years, I’ve found a healthy way to taste all the pieces of the pie.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Mothering my son is always work and sometimes leisure. I am the most fulfilled as a parent when my partner and I are parenting together. When we go away and it’s both of us, all the time, I rarely feel like mothering is work and I find a lot of pleasure in my family. I find leisure and pleasure in many of the kid activities/playgroups we do – anywhere that there are other like minded parents around, really. I enjoy the solidarity and the social time. And I love seeing my kid happy and engaged. It’s the times between that the work feels like a chore. I think it’s important to acknowledge all aspects of parenting as work but to delineate between the good bits and the chore elements.

As a stay-at-home parent, I definitely have enough time to put into my parenting work but I rarely manage anything else and I really struggle with that. I do get some ‘me time’ but I don’t find it especially satisfying.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

Under capitalism, it is essential. Certainly pleasure and enjoyment of some work or aspects of work provide great satisfaction but it does nothing to boost the perceived value of [parenting] work.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

This has recently changed. Until a few weeks ago, I’d say that I was on maternity leave but then give a detailed explanation of my job/career (as a community development worker). Now, I talk about how I’ve recently decided to take some time out to raise my kid[s] but that I’m thinking about study and not closed to a small, part time job. I have this innate need for people to see me as able, skilled and talented in more than parenting. No matter how much I recognise and intellectualise the absolute value of mothering, I’m still incredibly uneasy with identifying as ‘just a mum’ which is what I currently am.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

I don’t think they have though I’m feeling like I might need to lower my expectations or risk a lot of disappointment/perceived failure. I’m in denial for the moment though.

10. How has feminism failed mothers/fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers/fathers? What could it give?

I don’t think feminism has failed us. I think the system fails us. I think society fails us. The myth of ‘having it all’ is often blamed on feminism, unfairly, in my view. Having it all might be possible in a world that was less competitive and consumer driven and more balanced, egalitarian and compassionate. Having it all can’t be possible for mothers until everyone, regardless of sex, race, class, sexuality etc etc can have it all. That is not the fault of feminism – but it certainly is a reason for feminism and the broader work of justice seeking.

Those ‘power’ feminists who discount the important and valuable work of mothering are convenient distractions and really, just pawns in a bigger power play. It’s such a shame that women are so deeply socialised to be critical of other women and their choices – the patriarchy is very good at having others do it’s dirty work.

Feminism has allowed families to broaden their definitions and redefine roles. It has demanded that women’s work is valued and valuable – the case is nowhere near closed, but at least it’s open now. It has allowed fathers the opportunity to enjoy and meaningfully contribute to parenting and to carry some of emotional and physical burden too. It has also empowered mothers to expect and (hopefully) demand more.

Jane's Thoughts

2009-11-22T06:34:00.000-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
I remember defining myself as a feminist in late high school, but with complete fervor in university. I define feminism as a part of my credence that our goal is to treat all people (which I extend to animals, the earth) with respect and dignity. Women are equal to their masculine counterparts.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
As the parent of two young boys, I'm happy that they are growing up in a world where the gender playing field is more level than ever before.

However, there still is a marked difference in the types of activities, games and toys that boys adhere to. Companies pitch fluffy, pink, 'fashion accessory' types of toys to girls, and boys are bombarded by messages of violence and machismo.

I was surprised at the types of books that are pitched to each gender - even books seem to have a gender!

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
I've learned that children don't 'do as I say,' they look to the adults in their lives as models. So, I've learned to live out what I believe, not just talk about it.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).
I feel called to raise activists! At the very least, I want my children to see an equal male-female relationship first-hand. I want them to have a good model of how people interact, and treat each other well. I am happy when they know who Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. are, and what they have done to contribute to a just society.

I don't shield my children from difficult situations (such as homelessness, poverty, environmental damage), because it's a great way to talk about these issues. I've learned a lot from my children - they bring a fresh perspective - and I feel we are learning together.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?
I am an environmental consultant and activist. I am trying to raise boys who treat everyone with dignity and respect (including themselves). I think this will be my identity for the rest of my life.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?
Work and leisure blend together for me, as I am self-employed, and can choose the work that I want to do based on whether it fits into my life or not. I'm lucky that some of my interest are work projects and vice versa. I have lots of plans and ideas, and there isn't enough time to do everything, but it also forces one to choose what is really important, and what is a 'would be nice to do' task.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?
Parenting is the toughest job going, and unpaid to boot! In fact, most of the most important work we will ever do in our lives is unpaid: treating people well, helping others reflecting on the world.

8. When people ask what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?
When people ask what I do, I tell them that I am an environmental consultant. Being self-employed, it's hard for people to relate to what I do - that's why I have a 15-second overview that I give as an answer.

I may elaborate on a certain project that I am working on (if they are interested), or try to relate a small part of my work to something that means something to the person asking the question.

I am comfortable in this reply, as I've been honing the answer for 13 years.

9. How have you goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

Since becoming a parent I am connected to the earth & the community in a way I wasn't before. Of course, there are lots of way of connecting to the earth, but this was something I realized came naturally once my sons were born.

My goals for myself have remained the same, though, that hasn't really changed. The way I reach my goals are different though - they take longer to achieve!!

It has been helpful to have a group of peers who can answer my questions, hear my frustrations, and laugh with me when the going gets tough. I also needed a partner who was willing to share the parenting workload (my partner hates the word parent being used as a verb :). Other 'starring roles' have gone to my sister, my brother-in-law, my father, my step-mother, my father-in-law, my nieces, and friends (old and young) who have loved & cared for my boys. This is my village (that it takes to raise a child).

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (f you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?
Feminism has given women the power of choice, and has also give women a voice (nice, that rhymes!). We can choose whether (or not) we want to pursue paid work, or whether (or not) we want to stay home with children, or do a combination of both of these options.

Feminism also gives men the power of choice, as my husband shares child-rearing duties with me.

However, women can't be all things to all people (contrary to the 1980s 'we can have it all' idea). We need to decide what is most important to us, and decide what we want to keep and what we want to give away (or put on the shelf for the time being). Choose what you want to focus on, and give yourself a break about the things you aren't doing.

Sarah's Thoughts

2009-11-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

To me feminism is simply the quest for equal rights (political, social and economical) for women to those of men. This is a quest that I fully support but as with most other movements some extremists have taken it too far and have become hypocritically chauvinistic. As far as I can remember I have always felt that I deserved equal rights to those of men. There has been a drive for fairness and social justice in my soul since I was a teenager which has brought about other issues to my consciousness like racism and speciesism.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

That nature is stronger than nurture, in other words; your children are born with their personalities already formed.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Organising, planning, delegating, learning to let go and many others I'm sure.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

My call has lead me to help people and animals. it's what i seem to focus on anyway. caring for and teaching children has always been a huge part of my life too. all stereotypically feminine duties but i feel good with that because in my oppinion there is no less value in them than what other women and men are doing.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

Woman-wife-daughter-sister-mother-caregiver-teacher-environmentalist-feminist....in ten years or more I hope there are many changes but I know not what they will be which is exciting.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work and leisure are intertwined for me...they are life and I seek to find a balance.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

In helping people and in enjoying myself.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

Usually I say that I am a stay-at-home Mom who looks after other children also. It seems for most other people that this is not an interesting line of work because typically they don't comment at all. This is a contrast to what I observe other people being asked about different jobs. It feels great though when the odd person expresses appreciation for what I do.

The fact that people who do what I do are paid very low is a reflection of the value society places on my job....more work for feminists!

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

Since being a parent, I have learned so much about myself so I feel like I can focus on things that are more compatible with my personality. Making more money is more important now also because we have kids.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

The extremists have caused some people to prejudge all feminists as being chauvinistic. That is the only failure I can see, but I also see lots more work to be done. Specifically, more value should be put on a mother's role so that we are not expected to take on other roles outside of the home if we want to focus on raising our children. In my opinion, true feminists should value women in whatever role they choose to take in life; whether we follow a more stereotypical one or not...just as we should for men.

Katy's Thoughts

2009-11-16T09:36:00.001-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

I think I've always been a feminist, in part because of my parents and how they raised me (set your sights high, dream the big dreams, you can be whatever you put your mind to, you are intelligent, you are capable, you are you), and because my mother was/is a feminist in the classical sense of the word, having taught women's studies and political science at UW, so dinner table conversations were often around issues of feminism and politics, and because of my strong-willed (read stubborn) nature, such that it never made sense to me why I couldn't do what a boy could do, why I couldn't be what a boy could be, why I couldn't be hired for a job a man could do, why I couldn't be paid what a man is paid for the same work, and the list goes on...

Feminism is defined in my mind as equality - women being treated the same way a man is treated in society (at home, at work, at play).

That being said, the word feminist does have a negative connotation in today's day, perhaps because of the extreme voices of certain feminists before us. There are certain friends that I have that would say that they are not feminists, mainly because of the negative connotation of the word and what saying 'I am a feminist' implies...perhaps they have visions of topless women who go to rallies, speak negatively about all men, and...well, you get the picture...yet if you asked them if they wanted to be treated equally for what they do, they would say yes...so they are in fact feminists by my definition but uncomfortable with the word itself..

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

I was most surprised by parenthood's consuming nature...of time, of body, of strength, of energy, and of sleep. Because even when they are sleeping, which continues to be a moving target in our house, I find I sometimes lie awake wondering about them... And I know that with the littlest of children, this is a stage when their all-consuming nature is utterly overwhelming at times and that it will change, but right now it is all-consuming.

Parenthood has taught me to slow down and take it moment by moment, as I watch time fly by at such speed, particularly when I measure it by how much my babes have changed. Pre-children, my days seemed longer...

I was prepared for loving my children, but not quite prepared for how heart-breaking a love it is. It takes my breath away.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Time management and organization are two key skills that I always thought I was good at, before children, but heck, I didn't know anything about it till I had those little babes (particularly after the second). Particularly critical when I change my daytime activity from that of being at home with my lovies to going "back to work" to my paid employment (and I do realise when I write that, that those words are heavy words...and I will get to that in a minute).

Before children, I struggled with anxiety, mostly about my health and the health of my loved ones. I continue to struggle with it on certain off-days, but have found that if I didn't somehow learn some coping strategies, it would become immobilizing, particularly with young children, since there are worries to the nth degree I could devote all of my time to, yet what I really need to be doing is devoting my time to my family, day by day, minute by minute. I feel as though I've conquered my anxiety...most days, and the driver of this was becoming a parent.

I'm also learning to really 'be' in the moment...to breathe in each day with my boys, even when I feel like pulling my hair out and crying.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

I have a need to be a number of different persons all wrapped into this body. I certainly don't feel called to being domestic and cooking or cleaning, but I define those things as work, and despite my entirely supportive and loving husband, I still do the majority of such domestic work in our home...so that is one type of 'work' that I do. My other 'work' hat that I wear is that of scientist. I have wanted to be a scientist all of my life. I love reading about science, designing studies, crunching numbers, reading academic journals, writing research papers, attending a really good conference at least once a year, partaking in 'aha' moments or discussions with colleagues after wrestling with some difficult data and finally making sense of it, of getting recognized for the work that I (and my colleagues do), whether through new grant money, more budget, a publication in a journal, etc etc... I originally started my "academic" career as an environmental microbiologist, focusing on issues that affected drinking water quality and human health, but in recent years have morphed my career into that of epidemiologist working for the federal government on public health and disease surveillance issues for the country. I like to think that when I go to work, I have a small part in making Canada's food and water safer. And so perhaps my voice is somewhat different than the voices of others who have responded to your questionnaire, because although I absolutely love my children and would die for them, I also crave being 'at work'...the other kind of work. And I suppose I believe my paid work makes me a better mother because my work makes me a happier person. And a part of me feels defensive of this choice, just as other women who have answered your questionnaire write that they feel they need to 'defend' their choice to be a stay at home mom, or qualify it with a timeline. I feel particularly sensitive and defensive of my choice to go 'back to work', in comparison to the other choices I've made as a parent (ie: I chose to breastfeed till my first was two, I loved wearing my baby, we still co-sleep, I believe in vaccinations, I try and parent a la 'colarosso', we didn't circumcise, etc etc...but I never felt defensive about any of those choices like I do about my choice to go back to work). I do feel that other women (particularly) judge my choice to go 'back to work', and the overriding feeling I have is that 'they' think I am 'less of a mother'...why would I leave my children, 'let another woman raise them', and focus on my career? I can only say that I really feel that my desire to be this person, who wears so many different hats, overrides my desire to stay at home with my children when they are young. I feel grateful that I work for an employer (the federal government) that is incredibly supportive of working mothers. I can flex my time. I can go back to work at 80%, which I'm doing. I am paid 95% of my salary for one full year after the birth of each child. I have sick days that are speficially designated for if a child of mine is sick. I work a 7 hour day and am well-paid for it, rarely ever feeling like I need to work overtime or on a weekend. I can opt out of most work-related travel...etc etc... If I wasn't so well-supported at my workplace, I would definitely stay at home, because being away from my kids for 8 hours in the day is my maximum. I do have friends who work in Toronto, have kids, work 60 hour weeks, and have nannies and I couldn't do that. But I feel I/we have struck the right balance for this stage in our life, for our family. That being said, I try very hard these days to not judge other people's realities. This is something that parenthood is slowly teaching me. It is so easy to point the finger and say 'I would never do what they are doing', but in reality, I don't know anything about their reality. Only my own. And I feel confident in the choices I've made...so far. I know there will be things I regret as a parent, but I really feel as though this (working full time while my kids are young) is not one of them. I would hope that my boys will grow up to see that their mother has been able to strike a balance between work and home, and that I am able to teach them about the strength of women, their power, their need to be treated equally and respected...and loved.

I personally respect and admire all women who choose to stay home with their children, when they are young and older too. It is a tough job...in my limited experience, the toughest job I've ever had. And takes a toll on our career aspirations and our pocket books, yet it is one of the most noble of professions out there and should have as much social currency as that of a doctor. It should be paid work but it isn't. I wish our government would recognize its value by allowing for a tax break of the sole income earner in the home with a stay-at-home father or mother...this would help relieve some of the economic burden that stay-at-home mothers/fathers face through lack of income and pension/RRSP contributions during the time they are working at home to raise their children... If we could only get a private members bill through for this idea instead of the long gun registry!!!!

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

Mother first and foremost. Wife. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Scientist. But mother comes before all...perhaps that's because of the particularly all-consuming stage of mothering that I am in at the moment. I do realise that my identity will change, and my mothering will change...in ten years, though, my kids will still be mere babes in the woods, so I feel mother will still be first and foremost on the list. I would hope in twenty years I will be all that I am today and more.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work is 'stuff that you are paid to do or have to do'. Leisure is stuff that you want to do. After having children, I don't ever feel there is enough time in the day to get the housework done. Nor do I think there is enough time in the day to do my favourite leisurely past-times (for me...), like sewing or reading, or hanging out with friends. At home we try and make 'play time' our priority, and on weekend our leisure time is mostly focused on stuff with the kids, like hikes or walks or playing or visiting with friends. At this stage in our family life, we are fitting domestic duties in when the boys are sleeping, or skipping them all-together. Cooking is a necessity and is done with the little ones under feet, but I wish I had more time to pore over cookbooks and make decadent meals every night of the week. At work, I rarely feel time-pressured...it seems so much more manageable than the pressure-cooker of family life, by comparison.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

In the 'workforce', payment is critical, and should be equal pay for equal work, despite the fact that it STILL isn't. And while we're on the subject, let me mention here that on two occasions I have been overtly sexually harassed while at work and on another occasion (different employer), a job was given to a male colleague who was less qualified and less experienced to do the work despite the fact I was interested in the promotion and had mentioned to my boss that I wanted the opportunity. I currently feel as though I get paid fairly for my work, and at one point there was a review of pay equity in our particular government division and it was considered to be very good..that being said, 90% of the people I work with are women. And of the few senior positions in our division, they are all filled by men.

At home, recognition of the domestic work that is done is much more nuanced...a simple thanks or a comment/observation is often enough. Jeremy and I strive for balancing the domestic chores though I continue to do more than he, partly because I am often more efficient and faster, and partly because the inequality pervades even the most well-intentioned of households.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

I always feel funny when people ask me that question, because it is a social mechanism for judging you, putting you in a box, defining you by other people's terms. Oh, you're a stay at home mom...I see. Oh, you're a teacher...I see. Oh, you're a housecleaner....I see. Oh, you're a doctor...I see. Oh, you have a PhD...I see. I will tell people that I'm an epidemiologist, which often is followed by a long discussion of what that actually means, but I particularly detest the question, because I'm more than an epidemiologist...But that is my box on the social party/chit chat/small talk circuit. Perhaps after answering this questionnaire, I will answer them as I answered question number five...

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

My small goals (keeping a clean house, keeping a tidy house, keeping my shit organised) have for the most part been set aside for larger and more important goals, like focusing on my babes/playing with them/feeding them/disciplining them/reading about parenting strategies/talking about parenting and my children with my friends and mothers-in-arms/building a strong family unit/building memories with my boys and partner. I like this change in priorities though...I'm starting to not mind the chaos of our house and the dust. In between the births of my two children when I was at work we had a housecleaner and that really helped, but at this point with my decision to go back to work at 80%, housecleaner is not on the 'need' list, just on the 'want' list, so we will make do.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

I'm not sure feminism has only failed mothers. I think it has failed all women. Because yes, our society (and I mean the North American society here...I realise it is different in other parts of the world) now suggests that not only can we do anything we want, we have to do it all. Not only is it important for you to be educated, get a job, be beautiful, have a partner, and have children, we also need to take care of our home, decorate it a la 'House and Home' or HGTV, eat well, be good to the planet, grow a garden, sew your gifts, bake your muffins, design your own clothes, etc etc. How can we possibly keep it up? How can we possibly be all these thing without cracking at some point? And why do we need to be these things, these people? Can we not just pick a few of these identities and say f&*( it to the rest? I can academically understand why it is ridiculous to feel as though I need to hand-make all of the party favour bags for my three year old's birthday party, and yet I still feel the pressure to do so, the overwhelming urge to sit down and start sewing...yet what am I proving by this act of handmade hypocrisy? That I am a better mother than all other mothers? That I'm just as good of a mother as my grandmother, who sewed or knit all her gifts and ironed her sheets, but didn't go to university, never read for pleasure or learned to drive. That I truly love my son and his friends and this is how I show it? Or that I'm just buying into this idea that not only can I be whatever I want to be, I have to be it all... And so, in a moment of sanity a few months ago, I put the fabric and sewing scissors away, drove to the store with my son and walked through the aisles and picked out some odds and ends for the party favours and felt much better.

And what about those other women...the women who either chose to not have children or who can't have children...what has feminism done for them? Because it feels to me as though women of today cannot escape the baby-making marketing machine of North American consumer culture....it is 'cool' to have a belly bump, to be a mother, to have that beautiful child as your accoutrement, to clothe in the latest designer duds... but what of the women out there who chose not to (or can not) be a part of this engine? What has feminism given them? If we were to believe what we read at the ends of the grocery checkout aisles, they are not a 'real' woman if they don't have children. So how has feminism helped their cause? I don't hear their voice in this discourse...

On the flip side, where would I be without feminism? Well, I wouldn't have been able to vote, and I am so grateful for being able to vote. I wouldn't have been able to so easily find work as scientist when I graduated from university. I wouldn't have attracted my husband, who found my independence and feminist leanings attractive, not just because of the person I am but because of how his own feminist mother taught him to value and respect these traits in women. I wouldn't have been able to feel comfortable keeping my own last name (or able to) when I got married. I wouldn't have been able to find an employer who valued my skills so much that they agreed to support my desire to pursue a PhD while working full-time (not to mention getting pregnant, twice, before finishing my thesis), while paying me equitably for the work that I do. I wouldn't have been able to take one year of paid leave from my work place after the birth of each of my children. And this is just a small list...there are so many more things I am grateful for, and owe those feminist women before me.

Clare's Thoughts

2009-11-16T09:27:00.000-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
This is a multi-part answer. My mum is a feminist and was in the time before the word was invented. She left home at 17 in the 1940s because the opportunities for women where she lived in industrial England were very limited. She wasn't allowed to continue her education like her brothers. So we heard about that. A lot. And I'm one of 5 girls, so there was never any indication in our house that women were inferior in any way. My dad is wonderful and can't understand men who think that way. My brother is the same.

However, somewhere in my twenties, having married a chauvinist, I started to get weary of it all and although I still deeply believed in the equality concepts that go along with feminism I got tired of what I started hearing as rhetoric. Groups like the NACSW sounded shrill and defensive to my ears. Then as my kids got older (and my marriage broke up) I changed again. For the last 8 years I've raised my kids on my own (2 boys, 2 girls) and started working full time (and then some) and started looking at things through my own eyes again. I took my daughter on her first Take Back the Night Walk when she was about 12 and now she goes yearly with her friends.

So, after all that wordiness, I believe a feminist believes unequivocally that women and men have equal value and should have equitable rights, compensation, and opportunities. That can spin off into value for traditional women's work, etc., but if you have the core beliefs, that should happen organically.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
What has surprised me most is how different each of my four children is, and how much seems to be "hard-wired," and how early that appears. Although I like to think that decisions I make in my parenting shape them, I'm not sure of the extent of that. I'm also surprised by the fierceness of my love for them and how difficult it is to step back sometimes and not always smooth the way.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
Negotiation, empathy, a sense of fairness. Definitely time management and multi-tasking.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).
I have a child with Down syndrome and my biggest calling is ensuring for him inclusive education and social opportunites, meaningful work and adequate housing. That calling is very much tied to my life as a parent.

My job, although paid, feels very much like a calling. I'm a book publicist and I am learning all I can about new media and ways to promote our books in social communities in a meaningful way (ie., not annoying). So my online life is very full too and extends past the business day.

Personally, outside work and family responsibilities, I am called to make music. It is something I've done all my life, whether singing with my siblings or playing in an orchestra. It's not my living, but it feels like life's breath if I go without it too long.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?
sure. mother-writer-student-advocate-musician-community organizer
In ten years I hope that I will no longer be a student. Otherwise no change.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?
Very much a crossover, and no I don't have nearly enough time.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?
Payment is good and necessary, but I am just as fulfilled by my volunteer efforts. Success, a sense of community, a feeling of a job well done.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?
I always start with my paid work, but then I find it's incomplete so I start adding. Then they get this kind of stunned look on their faces and I feel like I've been bragging. Which is not what I meant to do. It's just all important to me.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?
I used to be content with simple goals (I had achieved them -- get married and have kids). I was very happy and lucky to stay home with my kids for 9 years, but I still volunteered a lot at the school. Now I've gone back to work full time and school part time. I need the degree to advance in my work, but I'm not looking outside my current company, so my goals are modest but include increase in responsibility and compensation.

Outside my job my goals are always to stay involved in issues of social justice.

My goals for my kids include them having the opportunities I had. Being the sole provider for my kids makes it more difficult so I've had to make choices. We buy much less "stuff" but the kids take lessons, go on trips, etc.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?
I think anything that takes away choice threatens equality. For example, older feminist ideas that said you shouldn't stay home with the kids, that you had to have a career. There was no sense that it was ok to choose a simpler life, or that you could be a feminist and just really, really want to spend time with your babies. I think that has changed, and it's good.

I don't have a lot of insight on this one. I'm just really glad that I'm raising my girls to question the status quo and the idea that someone else imposes on them what they SHOULD do as a woman.

Pam's Thoughts

2009-11-12T06:24:00.000-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

The dictionary defines "feminism" as the advocacy of equal rights for women. Society, on the other hand, defines feminism as a movement mostly of women who are simply a 'nuisance' to be tolerated, listened to and then ignored. Ironically, though, it is society that has tried to define us as women and our roles, our capacities and place in this world. No, I'm not a bitter person ... nor a feminist who joins other in the cause. I am a 'person' who has created my life around (not within) the constraints that society has devised; as well, I have lived 'within' the true nature that my physical being has given me. Although associated with my 'role,' I actually chose to be a mother with children. Eventually I chose to divorce (although indirectly, it really was my ex-husband's choice). I chose to go back to school and to move ahead with a new profession in teaching (had been a registered nurse before spending 17 years at home working as a wife, mother, and leader of women's/young mothers' groups). Essentially, I have always been what society calls a feminist ... by example which is my voice.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

The surprise in parenthood: that although I worked very hard to avoid the mistakes I perceived my parents making ... and I did avoid those, I made my own 'unique' mistakes ... which I am certain my children with avoid -- at least I hope they will!! They other surprises were just how very tiring and demanding a job it is physically when they are young. You have no time to re-charge your batteries often. I was also suprised though by the absolute protectiveness and devotion and love I felt as a young Mum ... the miracle of their development as time went on.

Now though as a Grandma, I cannot believe how much my daughters have matured as young women with their own voices, their own identities and the complete devotion and concern with which they dedicate themselves to their children. I am learning so much from them!

Finally, I am amazed by the friendship that has developed with my daughters at this stage in their lives and mine. Part of that friendship involves an honesty -- I love that they both feel free to criticize me often in a supportive way ... sometimes not. I am also amazed that I am often defensive indicating I am still in the process of maturing as a human being which I expect will go on forever! That necessity to keep growing is wonderful!

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Your question is in the past tense! I am still learning and honing as a parent and as a grandparent. Fortunately, we are always learning and hopefully maturing.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

I have always been drawn to 'caring for others' in some capacity. That sounds like an old-fashioned response from a woman who grew up in the late '60s, but it is perhaps in the nature of some of us. I find 'meaning' in sharing what I may have to support others. It's not an 'ego' thing ... I don't look for praise or recognition. I simply want to serve the needs of those who I am fortunate enough to work for. Thus, that sense within has led me into nursing and teaching. Moreover, I have always had a deep sense of 'social justice,' an interest in the political scene in the world around me and in the empowering others with confidence in themselves in developing their own potential ... whether they be young men or young women ... or friends ...

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

My identity in a nutshell: person-mother-grandmother-teacher-mentor-always a student-risk-taker with others and myself-friend. My friends and family would say that I am highly independent ... although I expect in 10 or 20 years, that independence will wane due to aging. However, my hope is that if/when I retire, I will do some writing ... preferably short stories. I was an English teacher and was compelled to write as a young mother after I returned to university when my youngest child, Sarah, was in grade 1.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work for me has to be a 'vocation.' Joseph Campbell in his book, The Power of Myth, claimed we must "follow our bliss." That has been my mantra in everything I do, consequently leisure for me involves being with family (especially a game of Crazy Eights with my grandsons) ... and being in my garden as well as entertaining.

I have never put constraints on what I want to do but sadly society does. I am 66 years old working with at-risk teenagers at a school in Guelph. It is a very demanding but very rewarding job. I am grateful to be learning and working with these young people. Recently though, I considered applying the skills I have developed by applying for a position as a Justice of the Peace. I know I have the qualities they are looking for; however, I received a letter from the Dept. of Justice indicating that because I am over the age of 65, I cannot be considered for this position. They claim that had I already been working within their system, I could work until I am 75. I have NEVER felt that there are limitations in what I might want to do in life. In fact, I returned to university when I was 55 years of age and graduated from the MBA program and the University of Victoria specializing in Management Consulting at the Ivey School of Business. However, 'the bottom line' was not the way I could function, I found out!

This other age restriction is something I am trying to come to grips with ... in some way. A part of me is outraged!

My other interest is the Centre for Innovative Governance ... in Waterloo. I am drawn to strategic thinking and to find solutions to problems. It was an area I did very well in at business school. A little voice in me is screaming to see if there is any possibility for me at that amazing Think Tank.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

We all have to be practical: money is essential to survival ... but, if there is no joy in the process of earning our keep, then we might as well not be doing it. I believe without that excitement to come to work each day, a little part of us can die. It is eroding. So, we need to do all that we can to adhere to a vocation.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

When people aske me what I do, I reply that I work with at-risk students. I feel privileged to say that because I absolutely feel that way.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

N/A

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

We still have a long way to go in developing our inner voices as human beings. Identity for me is an ever-evolving and ever-changing process. I look forward to the surprises that await me.

Marnie's Thoughts

2009-11-11T09:11:00.000-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?

Feminism: the belief that women should be given every respect, support and opportunity as their male counterparts. Why I am feminist (and why, I ask, has this come to feel to so many like a dirty word?). Because as a daughter, a partner and a mother of daughters, I need to celebrate our achievements, to shake my fist at limitations placed upon us, and to keep trying to bring about this empowerment of women.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

Its relentlessness.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?

Still learning! To trust my instincts, to slow down and take a breath (often), to honour (and not try to change) the character of each of my children.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

I am a teacher by trained profession, currently on "eternity leave". Spending time with my children at home has set me up perfectly to my future return to the more formal classroom setting. No longer will I look at that kid misbehaving in the back of my class as a pain in the arse, but rather as an individual who is the centre of someone's universe, and who has something wonderful to offer, and who in turn deserves to receive something meaningful from me. My students will likely forget the irregular French verbs I teach them, but they will never forget the way I made them feel.

I love teaching. It is one of those professions that is very compatible with parenthood (ie. I get to play hooky all summer), and I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to do it.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

Today: mother-manager. Yup. Mostly that.

10 years: mother-teacher-?

20 years: lover-diva-adventurer-marathon runner - storyteller -crazy grandmother (Ha! I just thought I'd toss those in - don't know what I'll be in 20 years)

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work is that thing that has to be done (sweeping floors, educating people, caring for someone in need, harvesting crops, etc.) Leisure is that thing that can be done, if we find the time, if we choose it, if we enjoy it. Right now, I don't have enough time to do the work that I want to do. Sometimes that makes me frustrated. But later, I'll have more time. And more sleep.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

The time our work takes, the impact it has, and the feeling it brings us, and to others for whom we work.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

Good question. I've come a long way with this one. At first, feeling conflicted about leaving my paid job to be at home, I awkwardly answered: "I'm a teacher...on leave" Today, I have come into my own more, and I reply "I'm at home raising these kids", with little hesistation. When pressed further, I do mention the notion of my "eternity leave", if people really need to know if I ever did anything BUT have kids. Most people then admit that staying home with kids is much harder than going off to work each day, and this does give me some small satisfaction.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

I really just don't want to screw up too badly, and to enjoy this journey which will hopefully launch four children happily into adulthood, instilled with self-confidence and some kind of meaningful purpose. To do this, I seek help from many sources: family, parents, friends, books,all of whom help normalize this parenting experience for me, which in turn gives me confidence that I"m doing OK, despite those D minus days of mothering.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

If we are paralyzed by anger and bitterness, then feminism, in all its implications, has failed us. If we feel as if we must choose between a career that energizes us and parenting with purpose, then perhaps feminism has failed us. What it does give us is a purpose, a challenge, and a way of measuring how far we've come, because hey, we've come a long way, baby.

E.'s Thoughts

2009-11-10T17:55:00.001-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
I am a feminist because I believe in equality of opportunity for men and women, freedom from violence and equal remuneration for work of equal value. I have 'officially' been one since university, when I took a lot of women's studies courses. They helped me name some of the practices and inequalities I had seen or thought about all my life. As a child, I used to question why women do more housework/cooking/childcaring, etc. than men, and could get no satisfactory answers. Feminism helped me understand how we got here and what we can do about it.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
Perhaps what I least expected was the lack or reduction of personal time and space. It's still what I crave the most, and I even regularly get some now. I was also surprised by how much I can love these children, although I had expected to do so.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
I think I am more likely to assume 'authority' now than I was pre-kids, mostly because I now know that I can herd cats. In comparison, managing semi-rational adults seems easy. I often used to feel 'young' when I was working (and indeed, I was probably the youngest in my office); I now feel like I know a lot more about life and how to handle tricky -- even life and death -- situations. I also know my own mind better. Parenthood has also helped me hone my time management skills, too, although that was never a big issue for me.
On the downside, I used to be known for my patience. I don't think anyone could describe me that way anymore...

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).
That's a hard one, and I'm still trying to figure it out. I keep coming back to some form of writing. I'm not bad at teaching, although it would have to be adults, and I'm too self-conscious to teach hundreds of adults, like my husband does. I sometimes also think I should have been a counsellor of some sort. Certainly it has to do with communication and with reaching people, either immediately or less directly. Just as certainly, my calling does not lie in childcaring or domestic work of any sort. Short answer, though, is that I don't yet know (Yikes! Time is running out!).

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?
Mother-wife-writer. The order may change in 10 or 20 years, or perhaps I'll have new words to add on.

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?
It seems to me that work is generally something that we are obliged to do, and sometimes we get paid for it. I think that's why people say 'it doesn't feel like work' when they like or love it. Leisure is what we do in our spare time: we fill it up with what we love to do, or with something we're exploring. And no, I never feel like I have the time to do the work I want to do, but I'm not always sure it's because the time isn't there, or because I've chosen to do something else instead.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?
Gratitude is probably another way. I think we are more motivated to work when we are appreciated, and words of praise can assign more value to work.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?
I say 'stay-at-home mum,' and try as I might not to, I do find it less satisfying than saying 'website manager' or 'copy editor.' It's just more boring, and sometimes you can even see it reflected in other people's eyes. I chose to do this, and I'm happy to be doing this work, but it's not always very fulfilling. And it's so commonplace, that it doesn't seem interesting in and of itself.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?
My goals now pretty much revolve around the children's development. As they get older, I'm thinking beyond them more, but I'm still at a stage where my annual goals are reflected in what I can help the kids achieve: eg., speech development, compassion, etc. My more personal goals involve trying to figure out how I want to find meaning in life, lose weight, regain control over the paperwork in my house, and some more banal things like that. I'm not sure what would help me achieve these goals. Actually, I'm pretty sure a housekeeper would help me.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?
Overall, I don't think feminism has failed mothers/fathers. There have been blips, like when being at home with your children was not considered feminist, but I don't think most people think like that anymore. I think it's helped mothers in that feminists have pushed for the sharing of housework and childcare, and for the propagation of the idea that these things are 'work' too, even if there's no paycheque. It's helped fathers in that they've been given some societal permission to actually be fathers: change diapers, take kids to school, take parental leave. These things certainly haven't been completed, but they're on their way. I'm too tired to think of what it *could* give. I just worry that there aren't as many young feminists developing out there; I think most girls don't realize all that still needs to be done. I worry that we will lose some of the things we've gained.

Sheila's Thoughts

2009-11-10T11:22:00.000-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
For me, feminism is a belief that women should have the same rights and respect as men are given in terms of their work, their minds, their bodies, and for me, most importantly, their contribution to society, to the world. I am a feminist because I still believe we have a long way to go and we need to "keep the dream alive" so to speak ... I believe we can change the way women are perceived and treated if we all become more conscious of how our children see women in the world, how we are treated and respond to the way we are treated, how we teach them about what our roles are, how we talk about gender in our world, in our every day lives. Maybe I became one when I refused to wear girls' skates in grade 5 and demanded to have boys' skates which were more comfortable to me. Maybe, when I read the book An Unsuitable Job for a Woman by P.D. James about a female detective when I was 15 because the title intrigued me, a seed was planted. I think, as a child, I resented highly the freedom boys seemed to have, compared to girls. But it wasn't until I went to university and took some women's studies courses that I realized I could have such a thing as a voice about it and I could begin to be heard and there were others who really felt as I did! I also must credit my sister Nancy in teaching me a lot about feminism as she was quite an activist in our early 20s. I still remember the first time I read The Feminine Mystique and I began to shake as I read it. I remember shaking. I think my mom's understandable feelings of frustration in her empty nest and my reflections about the choices she had in her life also contributed to my feminism heavily - she is the strongest, wisest woman I know.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?

That I am still a learning being and my kids can teach me things - I thought it was the other way around! And that these little babies you help raise become their own actual persons and have their own feelings views and likes/dislikes just like you - so cool! Also, the unconditional love you have for your kids is so amazing and awesome. and your capacity for endless patience - I am reminded of a favourite line from Sexing the Cherry' by Jeannette Winterson about a 'giant' child, "But my mother, who lived only a while and was so light that she dared not go out in a wind, could swing me on her back and carry me for miles. There was talk of witchcraft but what is stronger than love?"

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
To trust your own instincts - motherly instincts! I read somewhere in the last year apparently doctors and nurses are being taught to listen carefully to mothers with regards to the medical treatment of their children because a mother's instincts are so strong. I was never one to pick up books about how to be a parent ... I liked to think I would figure things out either myself or with the advice of people I trusted - my mom, my sisters and my friends. Believing in your own instincts is really healthy I think and gives you a lot of confidence to do all the things you do as a mom. Instincts like knowing when they're sick immediately. Knowing when or why they're upset about something. Knowing what they need emotionally and mentally. Remembering to whisper when I swear at other drivers in the car. :) Things like that. Also being prepared - I would always have this huge bag of everything I might possibly need for them in my car. (I still carry band aids around in my purse). Hmmm ... also being a better listener in life.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).

I have a need to be creative in my life. I also needed to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't feel called to be a domestic goddess and I could definitely never claim to be one. I stayed at home with my kids for seven years until our youngest started grade 1 this year. I feel privileged to have been able to do that, economically and spiritually. And now I can begin to focus on my career in graphic design again. And I still get to be my kids' rock every day. As far as work goes, I am starting my own freelance graphic design business for a while to build up my portfolio and get back into the swing of things so to speak ... incidentally, after much thought, I decided to call my business 'suffragette' because I am heavily influenced by design and writing from that period (late 1800s, early 1900s) and if I'd lived then, I would have been a suffragette! However, take note! You would not believe how many women in their thirties (and even forties) I have mentioned this to had no idea what the word suffragette referred to ("suffra-what? what does that mean?") OMG! NONE of the 20 year-olds I have mentioned it to had any idea either. This is heartbreaking to me!!! HOW CAN THIS BE?? So instead of bringing 'sexy' back, I'm bringing 'suffragette' back! Ha ha.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?

No I can't put it into just a few words. chef-chauffeur-designer-entertainer-photographer-cleaner-reader-laundromat-sometimes baker-crafter-therapist-sometimes nurse-spa technician. I could go on but it's endless, isn't it? I think each person is so many things. I think each parent must be so many things (but some of them aren't). I think mothers do a hundred jobs in one day. Can you imagine if we were recompensed for each of these jobs we take on as mothers? In ten years, I'd like to feel a little more personally fulfilled and also confident in myself and in my work, as a designer and as a mom. In twenty years, I will almost be retired and so I kind of dream of just being this one selfish word for a bit: traveller. I'll have my cellphone with me in case my kids need to call. Is that so wrong?

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?

Work to me is anything you feel you must do, either to make money or because it needs getting done (like laundry or cleaning). It can also be something you like to do, which it is in my case and I feel lucky about that. Leisure to me is having time to myself to read, or spa, to do whatever I like to do, personally. No I don't have as much time for my work as I'd like - I know that right now as a freelancer, I am still working 'part time' - 6 hours a day before I pick them up from school. So sometimes, I work at night and sometimes I work on the weekend. But I feel lucky that I have a job or a career that is pretty flexible. It may not always be so. I may not always work from home. I feel very lucky on one hand, and on the other, sometimes I feel that my work isn't treated as respectfully and/or as seriously as it would be if it were a job in an office, and I were accountable to a 'company' rather than to just myself and my family. I also want to work on (cleaning) my house almost as much as I hate working on my house. I don't have enough hours in the day for that.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?

I think acknowledgment or credit helps you feel the love. As far as the work we do as moms, a little 'thanks mom' from your child can do wonders, can't it? Or 'that's delicious'. Or 'you're the best, mom!' that kind of payment is as valuable to me as anything monetary. I was talking to a friend about this a while ago. How one of the things I miss about being in an office is that you get feedback and more often get some kind of appreciation for work you do on a daily basis. Even just a simple acknowledgment at work - 'got your memo, Sheila. thanks'. We don't get that at home. Our work goes unnoticed for the most part. So whenever our kids (or husbands) show the smallest amount of appreciation for anything, it makes our whole day! How can we change that? How can we feel more appreciated, more valued? I think our partners also must be made aware of this discrepancy - our work as stay-at-home moms or stay-at-home dads needs to be acknowledged. Daily would be nice, just like at the office.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?

Now, I say 'I'm a graphic designer'. Before I'd say 'currently, I'm a stay-at-home mom'. I felt the need to give it some time-frame. I wonder why I couldn't just say 'I'm a mother'. That says a lot, right, that 'mother' is not considered a 'job description' and people wouldn't just go, 'oh that's what you do, so how's work?' or continue the conversation about your mothering work. So I guess my reply when I was at home with my kids sounds defensive and like I undervalued my work as a mom. That's frustrating. But to be fair, I do make a HUGE point in my life of NOT asking people the question 'what do you do?' when I meet them. I hate that question. I like to get to know someone and I figure I'll eventually find out what they are up to in their lives. I don't think it's a definition of who you are. I think it's a definition of what you tend to do the most.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?

My goals for myself changed before I became a parent in that I had dreamed of a career in graphic design and advertising in Toronto and felt that I could pursue that and be highly successful in it. I decided not to take that path when I decided to stay home with my kids. Since I've become a parent, my goals for myself are: my kids' happiness, to be the best mom I can be for my kids, and to feel personally fulfilled, more balanced, not necessarily 'highly successful'. 'Success' has taken on a different meaning for me. Success in life now to me means 'happiness', fulfillment, that my kids are happy, doing well in school and feel loved, that I'm a good partner in my marriage, that I feel like I'm not only a mom, that I am also a person with my own life and ambitions, whatever they are. The help I need to reach these goals I am receiving from my awesome husband Geoff who is a feminist in his own right if I may say so (he's taken women's studies courses!) - his moral and financial support of our decision for me to stay home is something I am very grateful for and carry with me every day. I feel lucky to have a partner in life who understands the sacrifice I have made personally and career-wise. I also much appreciated the support of my parents as grandparents - I needed them and they were there for me as much as they could be. I also feel the support of friends and other stay-at-home moms is crucial. You need people around you who understand exactly what you're doing. I also need the support of our babysitter so I can remember what it is like to just hang out with my husband.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?

I think the feminism of the 60s and 70s, while in a way extremely necessary, should have perhaps seen a bigger picture down the road and not been so exclusive to women who longed to be stay-at-home moms for their children and have that amazing experience in their lives. I think if feminists had thought about the rights we needed even as moms, we might be further along now with daycare in the workplace, and paternity leave and maternity leave, child support, etc., as well as familial violence against women - in terms of isolation, and derision. I think earlier feminists forgot that 'choice' should have included 'the choice to stay home with your kids' and not feel embarrassed or defensive about it. I think feminism failed fathers in that it did not encourage men's participation in rearing children, it only encouraged women's participation in the workforce. The direction was only one way. I think the feminism of now can facilitate men's participation in their children's lives, and happier partnerships/marriages! I think men not only are more aware of women's issues and involved as parents, they wish for it, and they love it. they love taking a bigger role in their kids' lives. I think feminism can be more about inclusion (I remember a brother of one of the victims of the Montreal massacre whom some women didn't want to allow to speak at the memorial because they felt that only women should have a voice there) and less about anger. Personally, I feel women could be more inclusive, supportive and tolerant to each other as well and less judgmental. I am proud to be a feminist and a feminist mother. I was personally vindicated for my beliefs the other day, when my 7-year-old son reprimanded me in the car about gender specific language - 'mom! you said 'his' backpack, not 'his or her backpack' do girls not have backpacks, mom? no, I don't think that's true!'. I smiled my biggest smile. now, that's what I like to hear! :)

Sally's Thoughts

2009-11-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

Mmm interesting subject for me, since my job and being at stay at home mom are totally intertwined. A quote I read awhile ago in BITCH magazine still resonates with me...

"Our feminist mothers said you can be ANYTHING, but what we heard, was we have to be EVERYTHING."

I am very much struggling with the women in Toronto who have put their corporate careers before their families and have their low payed immigrant nannies to do the job in which I take such great pride to do. No job, no amount of money would stop me from being the mama bear in my children's lives. People, and especially women these days do not want to sacrifice anything. For me, the strength in my parenting and my own personal feminism has come from all the sacrifices that I have made. I look at my daughter with her strong self esteem and her sense of self worth and I know that every challenging day spent at home was worth it, because I was there, like a rock, to encourage her to spread her wings and be free.

Nancy's Thoughts

2009-11-09T18:17:00.000-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
I define feminism as believing in women's rights and equality for women, no matter what race, religion or socio-economical status. I believe people who care about women's rights and the respect of women and the right to gender equality are all feminists. I find "feminism" has become such an umbrella term for a lot of varied emotions and beliefs. It's unfortunate that sometimes the term can be stereotyped and many women react negatively to the term or refuse to use it to define themselves as they wrongly associate the term with women who possibly hate men and/or hate women who are homemakers/stay-at-home mothers. I am a feminist because I believe in equal rights for women; that there are many women who need a voice when they find themselves victimized or subjugated or silenced in the world. I believe in pro-choice and that a woman's body is her own and she should make any and all decisions as to what happens to that body or not (in cases of, for instance, infibulation to secure virginity for dowry purposes, abortion, etc.) I became a feminist around the age of 21/22. I was a bit of a late bloomer, but I recall finding my voice and my "self" at that age. I had been raised Catholic and certainly that Church and the issues I gradually began to have with it steered me towards becoming a feminist for sure. There were times growing up when I felt acutely the role of women in that faith seemed very undermined and dismissed. But I didn't feel I fully embraced what I define as 'feminism' until my early 20s.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
The number one thing has been the capacity for depth of patience. I am surprised at my own wells of energy and strength I didn't know I still possessed if I'd become a new mum at a younger age (I was 42 this year when he was born). I am surprised at how much I have been able to handle on my own as a single parent. I chose single parenthood, which is not how a lot of people end up being one. I pursued IVF surgery on my own with an anonymous donor after many years of infertility struggle in a previous 9-year relationship. I am also surprised at the vulnerability I feel should anything ever happen to him - that protecting and providing for him is such an all-encompassing, never-ending focus. I knew I'd find the strength and such, but the vulnerability about it is lurking there all the time. You are so afraid he might get hurt, or injured or upset by something (anything), that you are on the lookout all the time to ward off the chance that any one of those things could happen to him.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
I've learned to always carry a second, even a third outfit on outings in case the one he has becomes soiled. Learned that the hard way! I do feel I've learned a lot as a parent from having watched my own mother: I attribute much of the love of motherhood to her wondrous example. She was a very loving, giving, patient mother and she LOVED mothering, that shone through. I also was blessed to have the time and resources to read a lot to try to prepare for parenthood (as best as I could) beforehand. I still don't think one can truly prepare oneself for all the feelings and emotions becoming a parent entails. A skill I have honed has to be the patience again. I am astounded at myself - I've always been a little impatient in life. But I find, when it comes to him, I've yet to get to a point where his behavior frustrates or angers me in any way. I think some parents out there have a hard time understanding that when an infant or toddler is crying, it can be her/his only way of trying to communicate something. I think there needs to be more focus put on helping parents, especially young parents, understand that crying is the way a baby or toddler tries to communicate something rather than it being an "acting out" or attempt to annoy or get angry with her/his parent. Becoming a new parent is a terribly stressful time - not to mention the hormonal upheaval for new mothers - and I think it can sadly lead to instances where babies are physically shaken or even to the extent of suicides in some mothers, where the realities of the intense stressors of parenting combined with hormonal chaos and emotional immaturity overshadow any of its joys. I am thankful I don't have a problem finding the patience I need. Perhaps this may change when he's a teen! But seriously, I think it may also be that I am at the stage of life I am (in my 40s already). I am also financially able to provide for my child. I have a steady job. I have security and good benefits. So maybe I can "afford" to be as patient as I find myself being. It took me a long time to learn patience towards myself and others and I really feel the benefits of learning how to de-stress and not let things get to me the way they used to when I was younger. Of course, I am also blessed with a very easy-going baby and a secure, financial situation so who knows how much patience I would honestly have if he were colicky or I was not able to make an income to adequately meet the demands of parenting which, I imagine, would be an inordinate amount of stress added to a time that is inherently stressful in and of itself. Perhaps what I deem to be my endless capacity for patience would meet its limit under different, more trying circumstances.

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).
Outside of feeling the call to mother him, I would say the biggest call for me is acting (either theatre or film) which I would have liked to pursue as my career (I studied and pursued a Joint Honours degree in Theatre and English Literature). The work I feel called to do after acting is writing.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?
I always tend to define myself as a feminist first. I don't think stating that I am a mother first now should somehow preclude the fact that I am always going to define myself as a feminist, no matter what else my identity embraces and it may embrace a good many things in years to come. I could suggest the term "Mominist" as a combo of both! In terms of an identity for myself, I guess I would say Mother-Actor-Writer. I have had professional training as an actor so until I've accomplished as much in writing as I have in acting, I would say this would be the order of things right now in terms of my own identity. In 10 years, I will still be a Mother (Mominist) first. I hope to be Mother-Writer-Actor in 10 years. That is, I think the chance I have to somehow tie writing into how I make my income is greater than pursuing acting for monetary sustenance. In 20 years, I hope to pursue acting again when I may find a little more freedom to do so. But I also hope to explore a lot more of my artistic nature (my interest in photography, painting, etc.) So I would say Artist-Writer-Mother, is how I hope I'd define myself in 20 years. (Being an artist can include my acting pursuits, as well as other artistic pursuits I feel I hold up my sleeve but have not had the time or circumstances to explore).

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?
Work is something I define as something one must do to make money. If I have to "work" at something, I don't always necessarily love it or I would define work as, perhaps, something that would not be my first choice in how to make my income but is a necessary way to make it or perhaps the only venue available to me if I cannot make it doing what I love to do instead. Leisure I define as time to explore what you love or something you feel a calling or inclination to try that you feel you might love. The work I do, I do have enough time to do. That is, the way I now make my income is not my first-choice, but I have been able to fashion a way to make income requiring the least amount of my own time that does not encroach too much on my leisure time when I can pursue the things I love to do. I work a 35-hour work week and I do like what I do (which helps). But it is not how I would love to be making my income. I do it out of necessity (to pay a mortgage, to finance being a parent, etc.) Were I to make an income (enough that I could keep a roof over my head and food on the table) being an actor or writer or artist, I would definitely choose to do that and I wouldn't call that or define that as "work". I'd just feel very lucky to be paid to do something I love and would choose to do with my leisure time anyway.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?
This is quite an intriguing question. For example, I work overtime hours every now and then. I could choose to be paid extra for those hours, but I choose instead to translate them into time off. Time off that does not reduce my regular paycheque is a reward to me - I choose to take the value of time over money when I can. Though since I've already worked the hours during overtime, it's not really unpaid time off. It's still valued as paid work that has been completed, I guess. I do think Europe has a good approach though - family vacation time for many European jobs starts at 6 or 7 weeks paid throughout the year. They seem to value time spent with family much more as something that keeps an employee happy and content and hard-working / devoted. When I worked years ago in the financial district, they had certain days where they would recognize employees for the work they'd achieved. I think being valued and recognized for your work is an important incentive to valuing your work yourself and feeling valued. I left my highest paid job I've ever had and one of the main reasons I handed in my notice was that I felt the work I did was undervalued and undermined. The pay was nice, but I hated the atmosphere. It was quite backwards and demeaning and a little soul-destroying. I am much happier making much less than I did back then in a better, more open, more respectful work atmosphere. But again, I have had the "choice" to leave/go elsewhere. Many people do not find themselves in that situation.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?
I reply that I assist the Department of Global Studies at a local university. Sometimes, I admit, my first inclination would be to state that I work in academia, and, if pressed, I THEN admit that I am on the administrative side of that type of work. I do feel a hesitation or need to explain, somehow, my role in administration there. I feel women in administrative roles (and men in them, as well) are stereotyped as maybe not having had the brains or ambition to do something else as a career. I myself have done more challenging, better-paying, and higher 'valued' jobs. There have been many times where I've felt I am "smarter" than my current job would define me as (or at least the stereotype of the job I do). I feel badly when I feel this because having that feeling implies that one does not need a brain to do the work I do, which is not true. But many women 'end up' in more administrative-type roles rather than them being something someone pursues. I suppose I never imagined myself in this particular role, even though I do feel the work I do there is of value and is valued by the people with whom I work. I'm not sure it's as valued by me as it could be. It is more than just a means to an end for me. I am happy doing this work. I love to work with the students, and I respect the faculty members with whom I work. I am not afraid to state that I would much rather be making my income at what I was trained to do: Acting or some more artistic pursuit (writing, photography, poetry, yoga, etc.) I have always found it challenging to see myself in a cubicle or office setting, but I was the main source of income in my 9-year relationship and ended up setting aside my own artistic pursuits because my common-law spouse had been at his own artistic pursuits longer. I think many women put aside their own goals for their spouse to pursue theirs unfortunately. I can cite examples I have seen of this moreso in heterosexual couples I know versus lesbian couples. I kick myself now for placing my own pursuits second to his, though I admit that, had I not been making the money I was making for the two of us to live that way, I would not have been able to afford later the IVF surgery on my own that led to me having my beautiful child. Fertility treatment was expensive and I was acutely aware that it would have to be me making the money necessary to pursue that particular goal since my partner was an artist and would not be able to make the kind of money required. That's a long answer to a short question. But there it is. I made the choices I made at the end of the day. I might make them differently given a chance again (I may have left my marriage much earlier, pursued an IVF earlier, etc.)

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?
My own pursuits are no longer my first priority/goal. I am consciously setting them on a backburner. I knew this going into the decision to try for a child at 41 years of age via IVF. I weighed all of this into my decision, and putting off certain things (like traveling more, more artistic pursuits) was a factor in pursuing my goal to become a parent. That was my number one goal and now that I've achieved that goal, my first goal would be to give my son every opportunity he can have to flourish and realize his goals. The help I need to reach my current goals? It would be nice to feel secure about where he will be well cared for when I must return to work. Since I am a single parent, I have no choice but to return to the workforce when my maternity leave is up. However, he will only be 13 months old when I do return to work. That is five months younger than most daycares will admit an infant to care. Finding an affordable and safe, secure daycare facility (or person's home) in which to place him when I return to work is my number one goal right now. I heard a rumour some time ago that the government was considering extending maternity leave until a child is 18 months of age (the age when most daycares will admit a child into their care). This makes the most sense to me and I wish the government would make it a priority for working parents. Other kinds of help: I would love another pair of arms helping me to raise him. I do hope to still meet someone, though at times I wonder whether I do want to enter into another serious, long-term relationship with anyone again (the last one seemed to drain certain parts of me away for which I had to scrape down deep to find again and never wish to lose again). I would like him to have a father figure, if possible, in his life. Though I do know he will have great male role models already in his uncles and older cousins.

10. How has feminism failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?
Wow this is a challenging question since I don't like to think there is anything negative about feminism. I think the feminist movement, when it first began, DID fail mothers in undervaluing the role they play or boxing them into a limited category or definition of womanhood. I think the feminist movement equated motherhood as a woman "giving up" her right to pursue her own dreams, etc. But what if your dream as a girl was to be a great mom? I want to share a story: I was at an all-girls, Catholic high school in Grade 11. And one week, a speaker came to talk to the students about considering male-dominated careers, such as engineering or science-based jobs or pursuing MBAs, etc. One thing I remember about that day was that all the teachers and administrative women at the high school wore pink blouses. They defined themselves as being pink-collar workers (women in traditionally female jobs). And they wanted to make their own statements about it by wearing these blouses. Nowadays I would think that a speaker coming to a school to encourage girls to pursue whatever it is they dream of doing (being an astronaut, the prime minister, an engineer, etc.) is a great idea. But what I remember about the visit from this woman was at the end of her speech, I put up my hand and asked "what's wrong with wanting to be a mom at home? (The term stay-at-home mom had not come into full use at that time - I think stay-at-home moms were still referred to as "homemakers"). The woman, of course, did not argue with me about the importance of that role, but was there to encourage the girls to see outside the box, etc. When I look back now, perhaps that is when I began to find my own voice about women and how they are valued in our society (or not valued). Because I felt that the role my mum held was being undervalued by this woman, even then. And I thought my mum should have been valued much, MUCH more than she was. (I still think this. Even she has problems all these years later placing value on herself and seeing the great importance of raising six children as a stay-at home mom.) I didn't realize my attempt to challenge this woman was an act of my own feminism (or the seeds of it) in and of itself. It may seem paradoxical, but it was. I applaud this woman now for coming and trying to encourage us. I think girls need all the encouragement they can get and that they should get it early on. But I remember thinking the role of mother was not being valued by this feminist speaker, whether that was true or not at the time. It was how I perceived it back then. I'm not sure in what way feminism has let down fathers. I think that is for fathers to say, perhaps. I think stay-at-home Dads may be undervalued, perhaps just as much as stay-at-home Moms are. I think any parent who stays at home to raise children is one amazing person. Lots of people can afford to be a stay-at-home parent and choose not to, and that is their right as well. But I think it may also be because they do realize how challenging and all-encompassing and never-ending that role is - I imagine it is much harder than anyone gives it credit. What has feminism given mothers and fathers? I think feminism has been able to open itself up enough to include the role of the mother or parent as incredibly important and of greater value than it initially considered that role at the beginning of the feminist movement. I am happy and blessed to know many mothers (and fathers) who would define themselves as feminist and incorporate their beliefs into how they parent and raise their children. What could it give? I wish I had more time to answer these in greater depth and I think I've been much too verbose in attempting to answer these questions as it is. (Editing and brevity being my weak points). There is so much work still to be done. I think there are still huge gender boundaries in place that have yet to be o'erleapt. There are still gender inequalities to break down. And gender stereotypes to break through. I think raising our children to be feminists, whether they are male or female, can be a good start...I don't have time to make this a longer answer than it already is. But thank you for the most intriguing questions. This was a very thought-provoking exercise!

Cheers,
Nancy

Nath's Thoughts

2009-11-09T13:59:00.000-08:00

1. How do you define feminism? Why are you a feminist? When did you become one?
To me, feminism should mean the idea that women have the same ability and opportunity to make choices and should have the same access to the resources they need to make those choices that men have. Am I a feminist? Depends on the definition. I see a lot of angry feminists, and I'm not one of those, and I see a lot of reverse-chauvinism, and I'm not that either. If I go by my own definition, I would say yes, I am. And I guess I've always been one.

2. What has surprised you most about parenthood?
The intensity of it, and the fact that it never turns off. Ever.

3. What skills have you learned or honed as a parent?
I think I'm more patient (a little), more tolerant of other parents, able to do more at a time (though you'll notice that I didn't say anything about doing those things well...). The ability to survive on less sleep. How to be more organized. How to think about more people and how they will be affected by things (other than just me).

4. What work do you feel called to do? (You don't need to limit your answer to one thing).
I don't feel any particular calling, I don't think. I like the work I'm doing now, and I like the fact that it is balancing nicely with the needs of my family.

5. Could you put your identity into a few key words? ie. mother-writer-student. How do you imagine your identity changing in ten years? Or twenty?
I can't put my identity in a few words - I don't think it's fair to try to categorize oneself that much. In ten years, I'll no longer be a mother of small children (weird). In twenty who knows!

6. What is work? What is leisure? Do you have enough time to do the work that you want to do?
That's a toughie. Work is by necessity, leisure is for pleasure, though the two sometimes cross over. I feel like my time is pretty fairly distributed between the two right now.

7. Payment is the most obvious way to assign value to work; are there other ways?
Feeling of personal fulfillment. Impact of one's work on others. Appreciation from others.

8. When people ask: what do you do, how do you reply? How does your reply make you feel?
I say I'm a stay-at-home mom who works part time. I love being a SAHM and I'm really enjoying my outside work role as well, so it makes me feel good.

9. How have your goals for yourself changed since becoming a parent? What help do you need to reach those goals?
My parenting goals were always to stay at home to take care of the kids, so that didn't change. I never really had any firm career goals - I enjoyed the jobs I did before I had kids, and I was good at them, but they were never my main ambition. To me, while work is really the only way to pay for one's lifestyle, I don't think I need it to be the central focus of my life. I guess you could say I'm not very ambitious that way. I think it is important that I like how I spend my time on the whole, and I am currently happy with what I am doing. So my goal is really to keep enjoying my day-to-day existence, and I'm in the very fortunate circumstance that I am able to do that.

10. How has feminism has failed mothers / fathers (if you think it has)? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers / fathers? What could it give?
I think feminism has failed mothers in the sense that we're told we can do whatever we want, but if we choose to be stay at home parents, we're seen as feminist failures. I don't think it's fair to give people a choice and then berate them for making a choice we wouldn't make ourselves or don't approve of. I also think that we've conflated 'being able to doing anything' with 'needing to do everything', which just isn't healthy. On the other hand, I think feminism has allowed fathers to be more involved with their children, in a way they couldn't be when I was a child, and certainly in the generation before that. It's a work in progress - I think house tasks, for example, are becoming more evenly distributed. Though I still think in most households, the women do the bulk of running the house. As far as what it could give, I think that the idea of balance would be good, for both men and women. Balance between work and home, family and personal time. I think that would need to be a societal change - embrace the idea that work is not, and shouldn't be the sole worthwhile goal for a person, and that success can be measured by more than money.